Thursday, June 3, 2010

Ooh Baby!

You can probably guess that each absence means that things are good and I'm here at 17 weeks with a real bump. Too bad the handful of my readers only get an earful when I'm stressed and paranoid.

If you're still with me, thanks for sticking with me because I have some big updates.

First, it's a boy! I was having some new issues (more on that in a second) and my doctor suggested we take a peak. There is no denying that come this fall there will be another Y chromosome in the house. We are so so happy. The husband got a little teary when he heard the news.

Second, the shopping exploded. Monkey tee, check! First hoodie, check! Bedding, lamp, and changing pad, check! Oops. I told you it exploded. I had been eyeing things but hadn't bought anything even after my self imposed shopping embargo lifted officially at 12 weeks. It just seemed that when I had a better idea of who this new little person is, I couldn't help myself. I knew where I wanted him to sleep. I knew how my little boy should be dressed. It was so unreal to know that this is a future human. For real!

Now on to some pregnancy issues that no one wants to talk about.

First, I don't recommend going to Mexico or any other Latin American/developing country during pregnancy. I am a very healthy girl by most accounts. I rarely take a sick day and can eat a pound of spoiled meat and be the only one left standing. However, I didn't stand a chance in Mexico. I had two solid weeks of digestive issues after we got back. I didn't drink the water, I only ate at reputable establishments, and we stayed in the freaking hotel zone where 90% of the establishments use the water purification system set up for wimpy Americans such as myself. But 16 days and 4 doctors appointments later, all seems to be on the mend. When I managed to start eating normal food again, I managed to put on 4! pounds in one week. That was embarassing.

Second, holy groin pull batman! I was experiencing what some would call round ligament pain in the vaginal region. It hurt to stand up, sit too long, walk. When I mentioned it to the doctor as a happenstance, she suggested we check out my cervix. Fortunately, it was tigher than Fort Knox. Unfortunately, it may be a pain I have to endure during the remainder of my pregnancy. Although I exercise and eat well for the most part, my body is a little bit weak for even the meager 7 pounds I've gained. I'm trying yoga with hopes that will help. I'm just warning any of you and don't want you to be freaked out if you find yourself in a similar painful situation. This wasn't something any of the books had mentioned. Dr. Google certainly wasn't helpful either.

I know that this might very well be my only pregnancy and I am embracing these issues with all the gratefulness one lady can posess.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Oh bla di oh bla dah

Here I sit at 15 and a half weeks. Content. Happy. I apologize for my absence but it’s hard to come up with material when I have a history of “Help! Freaking! Panic!” posts that turn out to be nothing.

Babymoon was nice but in no way satisfying. I had a hard time relaxing until the last pool day when it occurred to me that I was wasting my child free vacation under an umbrella. Now I know why women wait. I still have six months to go and I keep planning more getaways. This is it, this is our last trip. “Let’s go to Chicago for the weekend to see the Cubs and dine with Rick Bayless!” How about a day trip to the mountains. “We don’t hike but let’s bring our sixteen pound pup. He’d like it. In fact, it was his idea!” The weather is finally nice and we’re just as close to the ocean as we are the mountains. “We’ve never been to the shore. Let’s go swimming. Eat fresh crab. Sit on a front porch with a glass of lemonade.”

I know I am going to totally refute this claim in a few weeks, but I totally popped. It’s no longer pudge, but a real belly. I’d post a picture, but then I wouldn’t be the only one refuting my claim. Almost all pants are now maternity, and those that are not are under the strain of a hair band. My shirts are stretched to the max too. Because of my build, I was never able to wear empire waist tops or shirts before. I didn’t want to look pregnant when I wasn’t. Now I regret only purchasing fitted tops. I have absolutely nothing to wear in this interim phase. Sure, I have “popped,” but maternity shirts look like tents. Whoever designs maternity clothes needs to learn that working women need more clothes than loud printed graphic shirts. And what working pregnant woman care wear a plunging neckline?

We’re being spoiled now. I have three standing offers for a baby shower. I don’t have enough friends or family to support THREE and I don’t know if the interested parties are folks that can successfully collaborate. I might have to employ the pregnant crazies and hormone tears to get out of this one. And woe is me, my mom offered to buy our crib. Somehow I don’t think she’d fly for the beautiful Restoration Hardware ensemble. She’s a little more practical than I am.

I’m alive. I am breathing and my baby is safe. I am ever so grateful.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

On the Sunny Side of the Street

It doesn't mean that the clouds won't cover the sunshine or I won't take a wrong turn and end up on the shady, doubtful, paranoid side of the street, but I'm back in the light.

I think I knew when I walked into the appointment everything was going to be ok. My first external ultrasound went well and we got great measurements for the NT screening. The baby has a little nose and little toes. I don't know if its because I had to fly solo for the first time or because the appointment was cloaked in fear, but it didn't have the same giddy thrill of previous appointments.

We do kind of have a diagnosis for the spotting, a low lying placenta. Dun dun dun. That means more spotting could be in my future, but the placenta is likely to move and it shouldn't cause longterm problems.

12 weeks, 2 days and 5 good looking ultrasounds led us to the decision to start going public. We were talking to the husband's cousin last night and she was surprised we were able to keep it a secret for so long. Because I was so worried and concerned for 8 weeks it didn't seem like it was a hard secret to keep. It didn't feel real. Now that the floodgates are open it's amazing the love and support we have found. I hope the ladies still waiting to feel this joy find it soon. I don't want to keep it all for myself.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Sweet November I Surrender

I know I have been an anxious pregnant person. I just wish I could enjoy this pregnancy, especially since this is very likely to be my only one. I can't. I just want to wake up to November.

We went to visit friends this weekend about 5 hours car ride away. I told by college roommate when we arrived Friday night the big news. She was one of the handful of people that knew about our ivf and we were just 2 days shy of the big 12 weeks. It seemed like a good idea. Other than paranoia, I hadn't had any complications or scares. It was time to start telling people.

I was wrong. I woke up Saturday morning to brown spotting. Ten minutes after my shower and a fresh pair of undies, I had about a nickel's worth in my drawers. Up to this point, I hadn't had a drop of anything but a prometrium mess. I knew that spotting was normal and could mean nothing, especially in an ivf pregnancy. It could only be bad news if it was showing up now at 11 weeks and 5 days.

I called the on-call doctor who gave me all the same, "there's nothing we can do about it right now." It might be nothing. Its not because you sat in traffic for five hours. You don't need to stay in bed all day, but you should know that walking around can increase bleeding. We were staying with a friend in New York. I felt horrible that she had made plans and now we were competing for the worst house guest story in history. Why did this have to happen the first time we were out of town? Why this late? Why em?

It hung around threatening with barely there discharge all morning. Then I went to the bathroom again an hour later, bright red. Lump in my throat. Panic. Couldn't finish brunch.

We walked a couple of blocks to the Park and just sat in the sun. If I was going to be immobile for the day I might as well be laid up in Central Park. Babies were everywhere. Bad parenting was everywhere. Then, we saw a little boy with a t-shirt with the Husband's name on it. (And his name is a little more rare than John or Bob or Aiden.) Was it a sign that we were going to be ok? We sat around in the park for almost 2 hours. Went to the sketchy park bathroom again and thankfully nothing. Not a drop not a speck, nothing.

We went about the rest of our day walking about town and taking a break every hour or so to sit and use it as an excuse to eat or drink. We took it easy but we were still able to take advantage of the city. I prayed like heck all day and it stayed away.

Almost 48 hours later and nothing since. I go in for my NT screening appointment tomorrow. I hope we get some answers or at least reassurance.

I just hope that I can learn to roll with the punches a bit better until the babe is here safe and sound. But I really just wish I could wake up to November. It can't get here soon enough.

Monday, April 19, 2010

A Little Bit of This and a Little Bit of That

11 weeks woot. Feeling good. I do have a few "fun" symptoms these days.

I randomly get the pregnancy crazies. Take Saturday for instance. The husband got distracted from helping clean the bathroom (it happens twice a year, so this was exciting). I had a tantrum an hour before we had dinner guests.

Hair. Everywhere. My belly is furry and recently I have noticed some peach fuzz on my face. Nice. I am not so sure its a pregnancy symptom or a lupron hangover. Please don't stick around!

We had another sonogram on Friday and it went beautifully. The babe was moving and a shaking. I was so nervous after not finding the heartbeat on the doppler, the doctor joked the baby was jiving to all the extra adrenaline in my system. I got the very good news that I can stop the progesterone suppositories and estrogen. He recommends I stay on the baby aspirin up to delivery. That was the first time I had ever heard that recommendation. I'll go with it though. My appointment was also with the doctor who brushed off my panic when my symptoms subsided. He definitely redeemed himself.

The other good news we received at the appointment was from the insurance coordinator. I have 100% coverage! I don't pay for labs or ultrasounds or even a copay after my first visit. All fees associated with delivery are covered too. I have 48 hours for vaginal delivery and 96 for a c-section. The hospital payments (anesthesia) may be another story, but we'll figure that out soon. After receiving no help with fertility treatments this was a huge surprise and such good news.

Babymoon is coming up. Because of the husband's work schedule, hurricane season, and how I don't see myself relaxing at 6 months pregnant in 100 degree temperatures, we're taking one in two weeks. It's really more of an anniversary trip, but I can pretend.

We've told a few close friends. They are all pretty excited. The only people that know are folks that know how we got here. An awesome friend gave me a pregnancy care package with a bella band (which I hate), oils, pregnancy journal, a few books, and other spa-like gifties. Even though about ten people know, we hadn't received even a card. I think people are just as nervous as we are about the whole situation. It was nice to be treated to something special though.

Next weekend we'll start filling in everyone else. I feel like maybe my karma is paying me back for a stressful-shitty pre-conception journey. I just hope I don't use it all up now and end up with back labor for seven days.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Even your emotions have an echo in so much space

Baby still has a heart beat. Praise the Lord. What a good day. It (yep if I'm not calling it him, he's an it. Hope that doesn't offend.) has a giant head, little torso and legs. No tail. And it wiggles. I guess I am just so dang good at the physical part of pregnancy I suck at the emotional part.

Seriously folks. I have no symptoms. (Do you hate me?) Sure I am hungry all the time, but I've always had a higher than normal metabolism and could wear size 4 jeans despite having half a pizza for dinner. And ice cream. From the carton. (Do you hate me now?). Now I have to have a real breakfast, a snack two hours later, a huge lunch, a mid-afternoon snack, some munchies when I get home from work, and a giant dinner. Then clean the husband's plate. And ice cream. Maybe girl scout cookies too.

So I was on google probation and in serious freak out mode for 3 straight days. For no reason. I caved and called the doc Tuesday. Not my doc, her partner. Who I have to switch back and forth to. He did not impress. He asked a ton of questions about my symptoms before (painfully tired in the afternoon and tender breasts) and my symptoms now (none), did you do any heavy lifting (none except my 17 pound dog occassionally, oops), any stressful situations (other than constant paranoia?!)? He was like, well there's nothing we can do either way. Come in Friday for your regularly scheduled sono Friday. Ack, grr, death threats.

I panicked. I was mentally preparing to disinvite the inlaws for Easter, the inlaws who visit once ever 3-4 years. I was mentally preparing for the worst by planning my diet plan (i'm not so sure this is all emotioanl/ivf/baby bloat), make us reconnect vacation plans, how to tell my grandma. I lost sleep. I was distracted at work. For nothing. I wish I could just be as mentally strong as I am physically strong.

I guess I am what one of my favorite bloggers titles a "pregnancy viking."
Amalah (she doesn't know it, but we're virtual bff's) writes for a variety of online columns and has a website chronicalling pregnancy week by week. I find her highly hysterical. Anywho, she calls freaks without symptoms vikings. I like that term a little better than basketcase.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010


I hope I am just reverting to old habits here and its not my sick sixth sense. I have doubt. Unctontrollable worry. Paranoia. And no symptoms.

The exhaustion disappeared on Thursday. For almost four weeks at about 3 pm I would feel compelled to take a nap and feel exhausted until I went to bed at 10. Thursday I was sitting in class and felt great. Shit.

Then yesterday I noticed that my breasts weren't sore. At all. Then I realized the burps were gone. The bloat has subsided. The funny ovary pain I sometimes had when I crossed my legs had disappeared too.

I google "disappearing symptoms", "eight weeks symptoms vanish." I got some reassurance and some ugly true stories. Googling also told me missed miscarriages happen in 1% of all pregnancies. At my last RE appointment my doctor said that the likelihood of a miscarriage after seeing a heartbeat was very very low.

I was up several hours last night worried. My husband didn't take the news well and we got in a tiff. He's worried too.

I am obsessing. I just hope its an unfounded fear. I'm not so sure I can wait until Friday morning for another sonogram. I hate this. And I feel like a cocky brat for being so hopeful and positive in the last several posts.

Monday, March 29, 2010

How do I hate thee, let me count the ways?

I hate thee to the depth and bredth and height of a 2" progesterone suppository. They are the bane of my existence at the moment, or three times a day every day for the last five weeks. I am grateful that I don't have the burning PIO injection, but I still hate them.

1. Its a $9 a day habit.
2. Bloat
3. Three times a day
4. Three more weeks
5. Panty liners don't cut it
6. High absorbency pads barely cut it.
7. No bleeding, but I have to wear a pad every freaking day. I feel like I am back in middle school.
8. It took me a pair of light colored wool pants to discover that the panty liners weren't cutting it. It looked like I wet my pants. Two weeks of work clothes with a lovely dark stain.
9. $60 dry cleaning bill.
10. I am going to blame my moody behavior on them too while I am at it.

8 weeks pregnant. I hope. That paranoia still creeps in there every day between my next sonogram. Only 11 suppositories until I get to see the bean again.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Neither Here Nor There

My little peanut is still there. Heart beating. And we freaking graduated. I had no idea going in for my second sonogram meant that I was moving on to the ob. Crazy. Someone should have warned me!

Today I had my first appointment with the ob and she's amazing. Amazing. She said she understands that I've gotten a lot of hand holding along the way. So I get to have another sonogram in two weeks rather than waiting until my ten week appointment. She said that if I feel like anything is wrong I should come in everyday if I need to. Love.

Hearing every infertility journey along the way and reading all these women's stories helped give me the strength that I could make it this far. It showed me that this crazy science works. It showed me its a hard battle but that I could do it.

I feel like an outsider, an imposter. I am not the rosy faced and naive mother-to-be but I am not a battle-scarred infertile survivor either. Sure I had to go through ivf to get pregnant, but we started the process as soon as I had a feeling something was fundamentally wrong, less than a year after I stopped birth control. Then it worked on the first try. I know its early and I might sound incredibly naive to women who have been where I am and yet didn't get to take home a baby. I know things can still go wrong but today I am happy.

I feel bad for having an infertility blog when I cannot identify with all of the feelings that can come with an infertility blog. I have had despair, doubt and depression. I had to take multiple injections a day that burned and stung. We paid thousands of dollars to have what some women get for free after one too many mojitos. I am still taking three pills a day, suppositories three times a day, pelvic bedrest, etc. Yet, I still feel happy for other pregnant women regardless of what they did or didn't do to get there. I still feel hopeful that I can be an infertility urban legend and have a surprise bfp someday.

I just love what the blog world has done for me. You gave me hope.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

How Sweet It Is

To see our little bean on the screen. Just one. The doctor could see the yolk sac and the fetal pole. And a strong chance that he saw the heart beat. It was so unbelievable. The husband was there and we were both giggling.

Last week I was upset over my betas and coming to interpret the evidence that there had been two. I was disappointed. Today seeing our one baby made me just so grateful. So happy. We are so lucky to have this one.

My doctor was so sweet. He asked me if he could give me a hug. This is why we stuck with him. He is so genuinely excited for us. The office staff was high fiving me and smiling. Being so far away from our families its nice to have this surrogate support system.

And we have a due date. November 8. This is all starting to feel a little real.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Just Breathe

I can't thank you all enough for the positive encouragement. The past two days have been hard. But today I was called with good news, beta 974!

My doctor called me after I spoke to the nurse Wednesday and he said, "if I'm not worried, you shouldn't be!" Although its too soon to tell, he thinks that more than one implanted and one just slowed down. My numbers are good for today and I'll take it. I have another beta Monday and if it keeps rising, I'll have a sonogram next Thursday.

I stress and I worry. When we were cycling I was so empowered that I was handling treatments well and was a good responder. I could take each day at a time and move forward. This beta business is a whole other ball game. I can't control it and I'm just along for the ride. Its hard, but I need to remind myself to take a step back and just breathe.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Panic at the Beta

So it was a slooow rise, 470. Ensue panic.

I asked my nurse about the slow rise and she says she isn't worried. She says they don't always double. This is normal. She tole me to schedule my next beta for Friday. She even went to say that I should plan on having an ultrasound the middle of next week.

Please please please let this be ok.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

The Lucky One

And the lucky 310! Yesterday, I had my blood test and a mere two hours later, a voicemail on my cell phone. My husband and I planned on waiting to listen to it until we were home together so I wouldn't have to give good or bad news over the phone while he was stuck at work. It was a long day watching the minutes pass.

We are so so happy. We feel so blessed. So lucky.

We called our parents right away. We live 8 hours away and with our treatments, it didn't seem practical to tell them in a cute sentimental way. Its all so scientific and methodical. We also knew that if something goes wrong, we would need their support. It'll just be the four of them and my sister who knows anything until the second trimester, should we make it that far. (And maybe my grandma, she's a saint and good at keeping secrets.)

My parents have known each step of the process, but his didn't know we had started treatment. My mom and dad were out at a restaurant, but I think my mom was expecting my call even though she didn't know it was beta day. She was so happy, but told me to call in a few hours after I had some time to digest the news and take it in. My father-in-law was home, but my mother-in-law was running errands. We told him the news and he was so ecstatic. He hollered into the phone, ooooweee! We called back in thirty minutes and he pretended he didn't know and we told both of them on speaker phone. I so wish we could have done it in person to hug and kiss and cry. But nothing about this process has been how I imagined it. So, we'll take what we can get. We want their prayers for a safe, healthy pregnancy and weren't willing to wait to have them.

As for the impatient stir-crazy girl who wrote last week? She found some comfort at 8dp3dt. I had that twinge I wanted so badly. Some cramps. And then some lovely blue veins appeared on my chest. By 3 pm in the afternoon I was so dang tired it was hard to stay focused at work. But I kept wondering if it was just my imagination or cruel side-effects. It wasn't. I am pregnant!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Dream On Dreamer

In my dream last night my husband rolled over to wake me up and asked me if I though we were pregnant. I laughed and said "No, look!" I pulled the covers down to show him two eggs sitting on top of my tummy, not in my tummy. They weren't chicken eggs, but kind of looked like little chalky candies.

I haven't been sleeping solid again. I guess that can be expected with all the anxiousness I feel. I just hope I get to have happier dreams the next time I do sleep soundly.

Monday, February 22, 2010

All Around the Limbo World

We have four little blasts on ice. Its not a baseball team, but it would keep a minivan rocking around the limbo world.

Now we wait. I was so busy this weekend with very high stress activities like acupuncture, book club and volunteering with the girl scouts. I read books, baked a pie, went to church. I was so proud of myself for not obsessing over "xdp3dt" nonsense.

I got to work today and was like, geeze this 2ww is almost over. Look at me not all paranoid at what, wait, only 5dp3dt. Ahh grr. That's not enough. I have another seven days before beta.

This brings me to 5dp3dt and a few hours. I'm acting crazy. I google things. I google "ivf pregnancy no symptoms." Because I have none. I feel fine. No twinges. I want twinges!

I am trying to find ways to stay optimistic. Stay hopeful. I know its early. I know people go weeks and weeks into their pregnancies without feeling any symptoms. I want them to keep myself focused on a positive outcome. I think I need a little physical reassurance here.

Anyone have any advice to stay on the positive side here? This limbo side is no fun.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


Well today's transfer went off with a hitch or two, or 26 ounces. I have a small frame and my doctor recommended only drinking 4 ounces of water. Ha! They had to come back three times with more water and wait 15 minutes each time to make sure my uterus was in the right position.

With my bloating and the large ovaries, and the very full bladder, it took a while for everything to get into place. They were sort of talking me along as they went, but it was hard not to get worried as they were quiet between each step. I really thought something was wrong.

But I have two embryos transferred, a 10 cell and a 7 cell. And get this...fourteen still growing in a petri dish. My doctor joked that he thinks I should be an egg donor. I'll know Friday if any make it to blast and we'll freeze those. I'm wishing and hoping we have a baseball team waiting for us on ice.

My husband is being very strict about this bed rest business. It stinks because we don't have a television in our room, but there isn't a bathroom on the main level. It's going to be a long 24 hours. I'd go a week though to make sure they snuggle in safe.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

1, 2, 3 Not Only You and Me

Just you, me, an RE, anesthesiologist, embryologist, two nurses, clinical practice coordinator, and an acupuncturist. But so far its been worth it.

28 eggs retrieved. 18 fertilized with ICSI. 3 day transfer! My doctor is very conservative and a little old fashioned, so I am not surprised to be going tomorrow, but maybe a bit disappointed.

I am so sore and bloated. I have been resting a lot and drinking tons of water. I am very grateful though that this is the worst of my whole cycle so far. I would be worried about OHSS and all, except from what I have read this is just par for the course and my e2 levels after trigger were only 3500.

Wednesday transfer and I am still hoping I can work from home on Friday to really rest up. We'll see how the boss handles that little wopper.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Mmm Bopp

Last night at 9:12 pm we bopped me with some hcg. But not without drama. We were reading the instructions and my husband started freaking out that we didn't have the right trigger medication. The box of meds said, chorionic gonadotropin and not hcg. He didn't trust me that that was the right prescription. He panicked and called the after hours doctor line.

My doctor promptly called back and asked me, "if he doesn't trust you, who can he trust?" We laughed for a while and I was reminded again why he's my doctor. He didn't make us feel ridiculous and listened to me as we walked through the mixing and the injection at 9 on a Friday night.

We were a little late, but we are another step closer. I am so proud of the little progress we have made and that we're still moving forward. So many things can still go wrong, but we're doing what we can to make our family happen.

This morning I had another acupuncture appointment and it felt so nice to relax and just take this all in. Here we are just 23 hours to retrieval!

Friday, February 12, 2010

Ovaries Return

Yikes. I lost count. This morning I had something like 8 BIG ones on the right and 6 big ones on the left? Then still a bunch under 17. Yeah, I have enough good ones above 17 that they aren't counting the ones under. A few days ago, we weren't counting those under 10.

Last night I skipped the gonal-f and only did half a dose of menopur and lupron. My estrogen was at 3400 yesterday and as long as it stays below 5000, I trigger tonight. Cupid might bring me some eggs! Let's wish and hope and pray that it stays in check.

I feel pretty good other than feeling like I have oranges hiding in my pants.

At our appointment yesterday we were sent home with doctors orders to perform my wifely duties so that the husband can give the best donation on Sunday. He was very happy to hear it straight from the doctor's mouth. How is it that this embarasses me after the doctor's been checking me under the hood for months now?

Monday, February 8, 2010

Holy Ovaries Batman

I've been on stims for 5 nights. Because of the weather and the weekend, today was my first monitoring appointment. I have 5 follicles larger than 10 on my right, and 2 larger than 10 on my left, and 20 smaller than 10 total. My estrogen level is right where it needs to be and it looks like we're still on track for a Saturday retrieval (crossing fingers).

For whatever reason, one of my gonal-f pens only had 5 needle tips in one box, and I still have medicine left over. Then, like a genius, I left the pen out overnight because I thought that meant I was done with that pen. Dope!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

The candle

We have a great group of friends with big hearts but a quirky sense of humor. Many of them are practicing Catholics. I grew up Catholic and was married in the Catholic church, but my husband and I attend an Episcopal church on a regular basis. Our big hearted, quirky friends have given me some grief about this.

As a house warming gift, our friend, we'll call him Bud, brought us a prayer candle as a gag gift. He handed it to me and quickly bolted out the door (I told you they were quirky.) It was a fertility candle. Bud had no idea we were trying, but assumed when you buy a house, you have a baby. If only it were that easy.

My husband met up with him over beers and filled him in on our current situation. I think Bud is probably wishing the candle worked. So do we.

Friday, February 5, 2010

A Tale of Two Bosses

My boss was made the big cheese just about a year ago. Despite a twenty year age difference, we had a great rapport and worked well together as a team, almost as equals. After his promotion, things have changed. We don't have many conversations about our families or our life outside of the office. Its been an adjustment for me however I thought it was important for him to know my situation since I have to miss so much work for appointments.

It was a huge mistake. When I told him, his face turned red and said, "that's exciting." Babies are exciting, this process is not. He obviously didn't get it. I gave him my estimate as to when the procedures might fall and he didn't even bother to respond. When we discovered we have a deadline that coincides with the embryo transfer, I reminded him that I might not be here that day. He said, "you said you'd only miss one day." Dammit. No. You didn't listen. I was so tempted to hand over my ivf calendar so he would understand I wasn't jerking him around.

Then you have my husband's boss. He is the rainmaker with a very stern and serious personality. Its all work and no play. No conversations about vacations or sports or even the weather. But two weeks ago, he pulled my husband into his office to ask if anything was wrong. He had noticed a change in my husband's work and was concerned. A man who I am sure doesn't even know my name was showing emotion and compassion to our situation. He has been terribly supportive and been more than accomodating.

What rocked me to my core was the fact that he had a better idea that this was hitting my husband more than even I had noticed. At home my husband has been so strong and so supportive. It was hard for me to believe that this had leaked into his professional life enough that it was affecting his work. My husband is smart, dedicated and a hard worker. He is good at what he does. I didn't want him to be consumed by this and I didn't know it already had.

We're all dealing with this the best we can. I just wish more people out there knew what a serious process this all is. We can use all the support we can get.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Boom Boom Oww

Yesterday was my first day of stims. Lupron was easy. Gonal-F was easier. The menopur? Pain. As I was injecting myself in the stomach, my husband told me to stop laughing. I had started crying before I even finished the injection. It hurt like heck. Now I am wondering if I did it wrong.

My funny husband immediately jumped online and started reading whatever he could find about menopur. Of course he found a million infertility blogs. It was so funny to hear his interpretation about what you women write. I think he was beginning to understand why I value this blogging community so much. I am so much more informed about the process and can find emotional support from reading about your TTC journeys.

My doctor estimates 9-10 days of stims. That is accompanied by two antibiotic doses a day, baby aspirin, a steroid and my pre-natal. This is so out of control I can hardly believe it. Thanks to the dozens of blogs I read, I know this is just par for the course.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Downfall of Anonymity

I identify so much with my fellow bloggers. I love to hear the personal stories and about their life outside of infertility. So, since I don't want to give out my name, or specifics of my geography, or my career, I'll give you some random JWH trivia.

1. I have one spoiled mutt puppy.
2. I love margaritas and sweet tea.
3. I love to read (Emily Giffin, Rebecca Wells, Fitzgerald) .
4. Favorite movies are: Love Actually, 500 Days of Summer, Curious Case of Benjamin Button.
5. I like the color pink.
6. My sister and I saw Spice World in theatres.
7. My first concert was Amy Grant in the 4th grade.
8. The panda bear is my favorite animal. My dad took me to the London Zoo only to discover they no longer had pandas. It was a sad day for me, but maybe sadder for my father.
9. I love college football.
10. When I was in middle school I wanted to grow up to be the next Joan Lunden.
11. I learned neglecting to stick yourself in a fold of chub HURTS.
12. I like even numbers.

Happy Friday.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Boom Boom Pow

Its our new theme song. For two nights I've been pumping myself full of lupron. It stings for a second, then a nice burning sensation for about thirty seconds. That's it. The funny thing is watching me stick myself with a needle helped my husband sleep better than he has in months.

On Monday, he came with me to the doctor and was in the exam room during the mock transfer. I am glad he was able to get a glimpse of all the tests I have been going through for months now. He needed a little eye opener and I like the pity. It was also nice to have another set of ears when we were given our instruction on meds, schedule, dos (take that trip before beta day, eat cheese) and donts (no running, no eliptical).

I am expecting my period to start this weekend. I usually have several days of spotting before. Should I be expecting a regular cycle while on lupron? I'm not sure if I should be prepared for better or worse or when I should be calling the doctor to start the next round of drugs.

Its great to be moving forward and working on our first cycle. I feel so empowered and positive that we are doing something. I am so very hopeful.

My moment of grace this week? Dancing in our new kitchen to some Harry Connick, Jr. It's something I'll remember when the lupron makes me want to give him some boom boom pow.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Just Wishing and Hoping had a Great Fall

All the husband's hugs and kisses and all the chocolate in the world couldn't put Just Wishing and Hoping together again!

Last weekend was emotional and I can't blame it on hormones. I don't know if I had been in denial for weeks and was finally waking up to reality or if I just needed time to cry. Again and again.

It scared my husband. He had thought I had been hopeful and strong in resolve. Which I am. I think? I am committed and I want to make this happen. I feel we will have a baby someday. But he didn't want me to crack. He didn't want me to fall.

This week I worked to put myself back together.

First stop, acupuncture. We talked for a long time about my medical history about how I handle (or don't handle...) stress. She placed the needles and I laid on the table not thinking about work or infertility for a blissful 25 minutes.

I am not sure it was the good Qi that did the trick. It just felt so good to hear someone tell me I was doing a good job and I was strong enough and healthy enough to do this and have a good chance of success. I don't know if I have heard this positive enthusiasm yet. She also encouraged me to do one stress relieving activity a day like excercise, enjoying a hobby, and even laughing. I can do that! If this first round of IVF doesn't work, I will know that the acupuncture helped me find some balance, some calm, and a real cheerleader.

Then this morning I heard a beautiful sermon at church. It focused on finding the glory in the everyday. I think reminding myself this will help me stop obsessing about myself and my circumstances. There is so much good and I know that I am blessed. People have walked a harder path. There will be good days and bad and its my job to focus on the good and the glory.

I am back together today. I might not be next week or next month or after beta day. But today I am feeling whole again.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

A bad day

With the holidays and traveling and some home projects, I've been able to coast through the past month with limited anxiety. This was my first weekend in town. The first one since our diagnosis without a long holiday to-do list distracting me. I was back in my routine and the reality of our situation hit me again. Or maybe not so much the reality of the situation, but the icky negativity of the situation hitting me again.

I am sort of stuck in a lackluster job. I had been waiting to look for a new job because I believed I would be pregnant soon. Here I am, almost a year later in the same blah job. Because of some new job responsibilities I am committed to my job for another six months, at least.

I used to think I was an ambitious career woman that would find fulfillment in her job. I don't think I am that person anymore. I have new goals and new priorities in life. But what if my goal of being a mother is unattainable? Where can I find that fulfillment again? Will looking for it now make our infertility journey more bearable? Is it the right time? Will it ever be the right time?

I am stuck in this icky place today wondering what is the point.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Just got off the phone

With the pharmacy. 12 drugs. One on ice. Has to be delivered to my office so I can sign for them. Arriving a week from tomorrow. I was excited to hear it was only going to cost $1823.91. Also excited to hear there is one valium included.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

On your marks...

Today I had cycle day 3 testing, a sonogram and blood tests. I'll be starting Lupron for our first ivf cycle in 20 days. I didn't expect to feel as excited as I was today. The doctors and nurses seemed almost as enthusiastic as I did. We have a plan. The journey is about to begin. We are on our marks!

However, for the umpteenth time we discussed our insurance coverage, or lack thereof. My doctor then felt the need to reinforce the fact that our chances of success for each round is 40-45%. I get it. It was sort of an odd juxtaposition of the thrill of a new cycle (fresh meat?!) and the "please don't expect a miracle straight out of the gate" fine print.

But I am still thrilled to be where I am today. I am grateful that we have the chance to go forward with ivf despite the fact that we must pay for it on our own. I know many women do not have the opportunity to try. I am thrilled that we are being proactive and doing something about our desire to have a baby.

Like many bloggers I am reminded of one of my new years resolutions today--stress less. One step at time. I can do this.

Friday, January 1, 2010

The one with the wet pants

This one time at the fertility clinic... they forgot to tell me that there might be some umm... leakage after my saline sonogram. That would have been very helpful information before I hurriedly put my clothes back on and jumped in the car to get to work.

The exam revealed I had polyps (lucky 13 if you're wondering). This meant yet another procedure before we could start treatment. I think my doctor must have been too busy consoling this blubbering mess of hormones to inform me that I should take my time putting myself back together.

So I get in the car and about halfway there I start to feel a little damp. Now its December. I'm wearing wool herringbone pants. The best way to avoid being spotted and catching pneumonia is to pull into a parking garage downtown. Since I'm late for work, the lot is full and I need to wait for the parking attendant to take my car. Wouldn't you know it? There is a girl there from college waiting to pick up her car. My face is pink and puffy and I have freaking wet my pants. This is no time to have a conversation with a long lost sorority sister.

My guardian angel decided to wake up from her year-long nap and somehow I found myself back at my desk. Now if only she would have managed to remind me to pack a lunch. This is no time to stand in line for a sandwich.