Friday, April 26, 2013

Good news, terrible news and what are we going to do news

I was hesitant to take this blog back up when I discovered my husband shared the link with a real life friend. I had used this as an outlet to be a headcase, to whine and mope and ask the what ifs. I was worried to let the infertile me be exposed to the real world. This has always been my place to compartmentalize my problems, but I know how helpful it is to hear real life success stories, from behind a curtain or not.

So, let me catch you up to speed (real-life friend and otherwise). We had our transfer the end of March of two BB frozen blastocysts. The first two thawed perfectly and we had two left for later. The transfer was smooth and the valium knocked me out this time. I spent the two-week wait caring for a toddler, doing chores, going to acupuncture and drinking pomegranate juice. Basically, I broke the rules and tried to over-compensate. It worked.

Our first betas was just below ideal at 92 11dp5dt. I was a headcase and overly sad because the nurse emphasized the below ideal. But they went up nicely from there, over two hundred then over five hundred at 15dp5dt. I had minimal symptoms, fatigue and vein-y breasts. But I also was surprised by the cramping. I didn't remember a whole lot of that the last time.

I was very stressed about the minimal symptoms. My acupuncturist said that it was because my qi was so in balance. My mom said it was because my body was used to it. The internet said it was still early.  The ultrasound said it was because my baby stopped growing at 5 weeks.

Our doctor said she was shocked that we had this outcome with our strong numbers. Our little baby was measuring 11 days behind and didn't have a fetal pole at 6 weeks and 4 days. I wanted to pass out or throw up. I had a feeling something was wrong, but had hope that it was my infertility paranoia. I had to make the decision to keep taking my meds and come back in a few days for a re-check and a miracle, or believe the facts and say goodbye.

I was numb. I cried, but was still holding our hope. My husband was shaken but accepted the news with heartbreaking understanding. I've since vacillated between sadness, despair and crippling fear. Last time, we went straight to ivf and had immediate success. All of the hiccups in my pregnancy could be attributed to my infertility brain, believing something terrible was going to happen for little logical reason. But my pregnancy went well and I had a healthy, beautiful baby boy.

The problem was never mine. My body responded to medicine perfectly. When I got pregnant, I stayed pregnant. Here I am, three years later wondering if something is wrong with our embryos, wondering if something is wrong with my body. Will we be able to have another? Can we afford to pursue treatment again and again if we continue to have losses? Can I handle it emotionally? I feel like I have tumbled down an entirely new path of infertility that it terrifying.

If I could look into the future and see my family with another child, I wouldn't stress about the money or the toll treatments would take on my mind, body and pocketbook. Knowing that we could go down that road and come out with nothing to show for it is terrifying.

In the meantime, I will hug my boy. I will kiss my husband. I will thank God for the family he has made for me. But I will always wish to be pregnant again, hope to make my son a brother, and pray for a second healthy baby.

Monday, April 1, 2013


Since our successful IVF in February 2010, we have moved to a new state. This of course meant we had to ship our totsicles, and even in a landlocked state, we were affected by Sandy. Thanks to the miracles of science, they arrived in our new hometown safe and sound.

You see, I am a very superstitious person. It worked the first time with a dedicated and skilled set of professionals, a doctor and nurse that I saw each visit, an acupuncturist who was my biggest cheerleader, and a no b.s. obgyn. I loved them all. Now, we're working with a wannabe baby factory and rarely see the same doctors or nurses. My acupuncturist would rather talk about our toddlers that are the same age, and I haven't seen my ob in months.

But, despite hurricanes and moves and a clown-car of health professionals, we transferred 2 grade B blasts last Thursday. The valium knocked me out this time and I felt hazy all day. My new clinic only requires 24 hours of bedrest, so I was back to my mothering routine the next day.

This time I'm on pio rather than the crinone and my rear hurts like b*tch. It also means my symptoms are already ramping up. I feel crampy off and on, and from what I've read, with a progesterone dose as high as mine, this means nothing.

I felt really positive and optimistic for the first 48 hours and now I'm back to my old infertile panic-prone self. I hate it. I'm praying, acupuncturing, and pleading. Anyone have any other tips?

Thursday, March 7, 2013

I have a secret

Hi friends.  We're back in the game.  Little man turned two last fall and we're ready for another.  To get you up to speed, we never used birth control after his birth and prayed we'd be one of the lucky ones.  We weren't, and I'm ok with that.  My son is high maintenance and I don't think he or I would have handled the transition to two very well when he was any younger.

But we are ready now.  We started a frozen cycle in December, taking bcp's and getting excited.  Then, they found the world's largest cyst that wouldn't go away.  We were heart broken, but it felt like it just wasn't time yet.  Today, the cyst is all but gone, I'm on day thirteen of lupron and will start estradiol tonight.  Since we had a successful ivf cycle the first time around, I never had to use intramuscular injections.  Heaven help my husband as he does his first tonight.

I'm getting excited.  I was so scared and cautious and anxious the last time around, I didn't let myself get excited.  The fear of living life childless was the most overwhelming feeling of my life and I wouldn't let myself get my hopes up.  Now, I know what the love of a mother feels like, the hugs, the kisses, the sleepless nights and worries.  I know every fever, every early morning, every needle is worth it. 

I'm worried that my positive outlook this time around is setting me up for major disappointment.  We've already been at this one cycle for going on three months.  It's hard for me to imagine that we've gone through all this work for naught.

I am excited.  There I said it.  Who wants to be excited with me?

Sunday, February 13, 2011

At Peace

I’m a bad infertile. I depress with my success. I unload my anxieties. I stop writing because I am both too happy and too scared and feel too guilty for going straight to IVF and getting pregnant on my first try. So many other infertiles fight for years and here I was, this na├»ve, but pained woman. I got lucky. I was blessed. I want it again.

The rest of my pregnancy was plagued by fear, pains and emotions. But, it was all worth it. My baby boy was born healthy and beautiful. I had the perfect labor, thirteen hours, my mom made it in time, it was all so smooth. I will do it again.

My maternity leave was a blur. For twelve weeks, my perfect baby was fussy. Unless he was held and patted on the butt, he cried. No, he didn’t have reflux. He was just high needs. It was stressful, draining and frustrating. I would do it again.

As soon as I went back to work, he calmed down, started smiling more, interacting more. It simply appeared the baby we wanted so badly needed a break from his mommy. I felt guilty for wanting a break myself. I wait to do it again.

There will be another. We don’t know if it will be a two years from now, having success with a FET. We don’t know if it will be six months from now with a miracle. We don’t know if it will be five years from now with our lucky millionth cycle. But we have our little boy and I have to have another of our own. I loved being pregnant. I loved giving birth. I want more.

If I sound greedy, bitchy or needy, I apologize. If I could take what I have and share it with all of those women that felt the despair I did just one year ago, I would. I thank the Lord for this blessing and I wish the same for you.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Ooh Baby!

You can probably guess that each absence means that things are good and I'm here at 17 weeks with a real bump. Too bad the handful of my readers only get an earful when I'm stressed and paranoid.

If you're still with me, thanks for sticking with me because I have some big updates.

First, it's a boy! I was having some new issues (more on that in a second) and my doctor suggested we take a peak. There is no denying that come this fall there will be another Y chromosome in the house. We are so so happy. The husband got a little teary when he heard the news.

Second, the shopping exploded. Monkey tee, check! First hoodie, check! Bedding, lamp, and changing pad, check! Oops. I told you it exploded. I had been eyeing things but hadn't bought anything even after my self imposed shopping embargo lifted officially at 12 weeks. It just seemed that when I had a better idea of who this new little person is, I couldn't help myself. I knew where I wanted him to sleep. I knew how my little boy should be dressed. It was so unreal to know that this is a future human. For real!

Now on to some pregnancy issues that no one wants to talk about.

First, I don't recommend going to Mexico or any other Latin American/developing country during pregnancy. I am a very healthy girl by most accounts. I rarely take a sick day and can eat a pound of spoiled meat and be the only one left standing. However, I didn't stand a chance in Mexico. I had two solid weeks of digestive issues after we got back. I didn't drink the water, I only ate at reputable establishments, and we stayed in the freaking hotel zone where 90% of the establishments use the water purification system set up for wimpy Americans such as myself. But 16 days and 4 doctors appointments later, all seems to be on the mend. When I managed to start eating normal food again, I managed to put on 4! pounds in one week. That was embarassing.

Second, holy groin pull batman! I was experiencing what some would call round ligament pain in the vaginal region. It hurt to stand up, sit too long, walk. When I mentioned it to the doctor as a happenstance, she suggested we check out my cervix. Fortunately, it was tigher than Fort Knox. Unfortunately, it may be a pain I have to endure during the remainder of my pregnancy. Although I exercise and eat well for the most part, my body is a little bit weak for even the meager 7 pounds I've gained. I'm trying yoga with hopes that will help. I'm just warning any of you and don't want you to be freaked out if you find yourself in a similar painful situation. This wasn't something any of the books had mentioned. Dr. Google certainly wasn't helpful either.

I know that this might very well be my only pregnancy and I am embracing these issues with all the gratefulness one lady can posess.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Oh bla di oh bla dah

Here I sit at 15 and a half weeks. Content. Happy. I apologize for my absence but it’s hard to come up with material when I have a history of “Help! Freaking! Panic!” posts that turn out to be nothing.

Babymoon was nice but in no way satisfying. I had a hard time relaxing until the last pool day when it occurred to me that I was wasting my child free vacation under an umbrella. Now I know why women wait. I still have six months to go and I keep planning more getaways. This is it, this is our last trip. “Let’s go to Chicago for the weekend to see the Cubs and dine with Rick Bayless!” How about a day trip to the mountains. “We don’t hike but let’s bring our sixteen pound pup. He’d like it. In fact, it was his idea!” The weather is finally nice and we’re just as close to the ocean as we are the mountains. “We’ve never been to the shore. Let’s go swimming. Eat fresh crab. Sit on a front porch with a glass of lemonade.”

I know I am going to totally refute this claim in a few weeks, but I totally popped. It’s no longer pudge, but a real belly. I’d post a picture, but then I wouldn’t be the only one refuting my claim. Almost all pants are now maternity, and those that are not are under the strain of a hair band. My shirts are stretched to the max too. Because of my build, I was never able to wear empire waist tops or shirts before. I didn’t want to look pregnant when I wasn’t. Now I regret only purchasing fitted tops. I have absolutely nothing to wear in this interim phase. Sure, I have “popped,” but maternity shirts look like tents. Whoever designs maternity clothes needs to learn that working women need more clothes than loud printed graphic shirts. And what working pregnant woman care wear a plunging neckline?

We’re being spoiled now. I have three standing offers for a baby shower. I don’t have enough friends or family to support THREE and I don’t know if the interested parties are folks that can successfully collaborate. I might have to employ the pregnant crazies and hormone tears to get out of this one. And woe is me, my mom offered to buy our crib. Somehow I don’t think she’d fly for the beautiful Restoration Hardware ensemble. She’s a little more practical than I am.

I’m alive. I am breathing and my baby is safe. I am ever so grateful.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

On the Sunny Side of the Street

It doesn't mean that the clouds won't cover the sunshine or I won't take a wrong turn and end up on the shady, doubtful, paranoid side of the street, but I'm back in the light.

I think I knew when I walked into the appointment everything was going to be ok. My first external ultrasound went well and we got great measurements for the NT screening. The baby has a little nose and little toes. I don't know if its because I had to fly solo for the first time or because the appointment was cloaked in fear, but it didn't have the same giddy thrill of previous appointments.

We do kind of have a diagnosis for the spotting, a low lying placenta. Dun dun dun. That means more spotting could be in my future, but the placenta is likely to move and it shouldn't cause longterm problems.

12 weeks, 2 days and 5 good looking ultrasounds led us to the decision to start going public. We were talking to the husband's cousin last night and she was surprised we were able to keep it a secret for so long. Because I was so worried and concerned for 8 weeks it didn't seem like it was a hard secret to keep. It didn't feel real. Now that the floodgates are open it's amazing the love and support we have found. I hope the ladies still waiting to feel this joy find it soon. I don't want to keep it all for myself.