Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Dream On Dreamer

In my dream last night my husband rolled over to wake me up and asked me if I though we were pregnant. I laughed and said "No, look!" I pulled the covers down to show him two eggs sitting on top of my tummy, not in my tummy. They weren't chicken eggs, but kind of looked like little chalky candies.

I haven't been sleeping solid again. I guess that can be expected with all the anxiousness I feel. I just hope I get to have happier dreams the next time I do sleep soundly.

Monday, February 22, 2010

All Around the Limbo World

We have four little blasts on ice. Its not a baseball team, but it would keep a minivan rocking around the limbo world.

Now we wait. I was so busy this weekend with very high stress activities like acupuncture, book club and volunteering with the girl scouts. I read books, baked a pie, went to church. I was so proud of myself for not obsessing over "xdp3dt" nonsense.

I got to work today and was like, geeze this 2ww is almost over. Look at me not all paranoid at what, wait, only 5dp3dt. Ahh grr. That's not enough. I have another seven days before beta.

This brings me to 5dp3dt and a few hours. I'm acting crazy. I google things. I google "ivf pregnancy no symptoms." Because I have none. I feel fine. No twinges. I want twinges!

I am trying to find ways to stay optimistic. Stay hopeful. I know its early. I know people go weeks and weeks into their pregnancies without feeling any symptoms. I want them to keep myself focused on a positive outcome. I think I need a little physical reassurance here.

Anyone have any advice to stay on the positive side here? This limbo side is no fun.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


Well today's transfer went off with a hitch or two, or 26 ounces. I have a small frame and my doctor recommended only drinking 4 ounces of water. Ha! They had to come back three times with more water and wait 15 minutes each time to make sure my uterus was in the right position.

With my bloating and the large ovaries, and the very full bladder, it took a while for everything to get into place. They were sort of talking me along as they went, but it was hard not to get worried as they were quiet between each step. I really thought something was wrong.

But I have two embryos transferred, a 10 cell and a 7 cell. And get this...fourteen still growing in a petri dish. My doctor joked that he thinks I should be an egg donor. I'll know Friday if any make it to blast and we'll freeze those. I'm wishing and hoping we have a baseball team waiting for us on ice.

My husband is being very strict about this bed rest business. It stinks because we don't have a television in our room, but there isn't a bathroom on the main level. It's going to be a long 24 hours. I'd go a week though to make sure they snuggle in safe.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

1, 2, 3 Not Only You and Me

Just you, me, an RE, anesthesiologist, embryologist, two nurses, clinical practice coordinator, and an acupuncturist. But so far its been worth it.

28 eggs retrieved. 18 fertilized with ICSI. 3 day transfer! My doctor is very conservative and a little old fashioned, so I am not surprised to be going tomorrow, but maybe a bit disappointed.

I am so sore and bloated. I have been resting a lot and drinking tons of water. I am very grateful though that this is the worst of my whole cycle so far. I would be worried about OHSS and all, except from what I have read this is just par for the course and my e2 levels after trigger were only 3500.

Wednesday transfer and I am still hoping I can work from home on Friday to really rest up. We'll see how the boss handles that little wopper.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Mmm Bopp

Last night at 9:12 pm we bopped me with some hcg. But not without drama. We were reading the instructions and my husband started freaking out that we didn't have the right trigger medication. The box of meds said, chorionic gonadotropin and not hcg. He didn't trust me that that was the right prescription. He panicked and called the after hours doctor line.

My doctor promptly called back and asked me, "if he doesn't trust you, who can he trust?" We laughed for a while and I was reminded again why he's my doctor. He didn't make us feel ridiculous and listened to me as we walked through the mixing and the injection at 9 on a Friday night.

We were a little late, but we are another step closer. I am so proud of the little progress we have made and that we're still moving forward. So many things can still go wrong, but we're doing what we can to make our family happen.

This morning I had another acupuncture appointment and it felt so nice to relax and just take this all in. Here we are just 23 hours to retrieval!

Friday, February 12, 2010

Ovaries Return

Yikes. I lost count. This morning I had something like 8 BIG ones on the right and 6 big ones on the left? Then still a bunch under 17. Yeah, I have enough good ones above 17 that they aren't counting the ones under. A few days ago, we weren't counting those under 10.

Last night I skipped the gonal-f and only did half a dose of menopur and lupron. My estrogen was at 3400 yesterday and as long as it stays below 5000, I trigger tonight. Cupid might bring me some eggs! Let's wish and hope and pray that it stays in check.

I feel pretty good other than feeling like I have oranges hiding in my pants.

At our appointment yesterday we were sent home with doctors orders to perform my wifely duties so that the husband can give the best donation on Sunday. He was very happy to hear it straight from the doctor's mouth. How is it that this embarasses me after the doctor's been checking me under the hood for months now?

Monday, February 8, 2010

Holy Ovaries Batman

I've been on stims for 5 nights. Because of the weather and the weekend, today was my first monitoring appointment. I have 5 follicles larger than 10 on my right, and 2 larger than 10 on my left, and 20 smaller than 10 total. My estrogen level is right where it needs to be and it looks like we're still on track for a Saturday retrieval (crossing fingers).

For whatever reason, one of my gonal-f pens only had 5 needle tips in one box, and I still have medicine left over. Then, like a genius, I left the pen out overnight because I thought that meant I was done with that pen. Dope!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

The candle

We have a great group of friends with big hearts but a quirky sense of humor. Many of them are practicing Catholics. I grew up Catholic and was married in the Catholic church, but my husband and I attend an Episcopal church on a regular basis. Our big hearted, quirky friends have given me some grief about this.

As a house warming gift, our friend, we'll call him Bud, brought us a prayer candle as a gag gift. He handed it to me and quickly bolted out the door (I told you they were quirky.) It was a fertility candle. Bud had no idea we were trying, but assumed when you buy a house, you have a baby. If only it were that easy.

My husband met up with him over beers and filled him in on our current situation. I think Bud is probably wishing the candle worked. So do we.

Friday, February 5, 2010

A Tale of Two Bosses

My boss was made the big cheese just about a year ago. Despite a twenty year age difference, we had a great rapport and worked well together as a team, almost as equals. After his promotion, things have changed. We don't have many conversations about our families or our life outside of the office. Its been an adjustment for me however I thought it was important for him to know my situation since I have to miss so much work for appointments.

It was a huge mistake. When I told him, his face turned red and said, "that's exciting." Babies are exciting, this process is not. He obviously didn't get it. I gave him my estimate as to when the procedures might fall and he didn't even bother to respond. When we discovered we have a deadline that coincides with the embryo transfer, I reminded him that I might not be here that day. He said, "you said you'd only miss one day." Dammit. No. You didn't listen. I was so tempted to hand over my ivf calendar so he would understand I wasn't jerking him around.

Then you have my husband's boss. He is the rainmaker with a very stern and serious personality. Its all work and no play. No conversations about vacations or sports or even the weather. But two weeks ago, he pulled my husband into his office to ask if anything was wrong. He had noticed a change in my husband's work and was concerned. A man who I am sure doesn't even know my name was showing emotion and compassion to our situation. He has been terribly supportive and been more than accomodating.

What rocked me to my core was the fact that he had a better idea that this was hitting my husband more than even I had noticed. At home my husband has been so strong and so supportive. It was hard for me to believe that this had leaked into his professional life enough that it was affecting his work. My husband is smart, dedicated and a hard worker. He is good at what he does. I didn't want him to be consumed by this and I didn't know it already had.

We're all dealing with this the best we can. I just wish more people out there knew what a serious process this all is. We can use all the support we can get.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Boom Boom Oww

Yesterday was my first day of stims. Lupron was easy. Gonal-F was easier. The menopur? Pain. As I was injecting myself in the stomach, my husband told me to stop laughing. I had started crying before I even finished the injection. It hurt like heck. Now I am wondering if I did it wrong.

My funny husband immediately jumped online and started reading whatever he could find about menopur. Of course he found a million infertility blogs. It was so funny to hear his interpretation about what you women write. I think he was beginning to understand why I value this blogging community so much. I am so much more informed about the process and can find emotional support from reading about your TTC journeys.

My doctor estimates 9-10 days of stims. That is accompanied by two antibiotic doses a day, baby aspirin, a steroid and my pre-natal. This is so out of control I can hardly believe it. Thanks to the dozens of blogs I read, I know this is just par for the course.