Thursday, April 29, 2010

On the Sunny Side of the Street

It doesn't mean that the clouds won't cover the sunshine or I won't take a wrong turn and end up on the shady, doubtful, paranoid side of the street, but I'm back in the light.

I think I knew when I walked into the appointment everything was going to be ok. My first external ultrasound went well and we got great measurements for the NT screening. The baby has a little nose and little toes. I don't know if its because I had to fly solo for the first time or because the appointment was cloaked in fear, but it didn't have the same giddy thrill of previous appointments.

We do kind of have a diagnosis for the spotting, a low lying placenta. Dun dun dun. That means more spotting could be in my future, but the placenta is likely to move and it shouldn't cause longterm problems.

12 weeks, 2 days and 5 good looking ultrasounds led us to the decision to start going public. We were talking to the husband's cousin last night and she was surprised we were able to keep it a secret for so long. Because I was so worried and concerned for 8 weeks it didn't seem like it was a hard secret to keep. It didn't feel real. Now that the floodgates are open it's amazing the love and support we have found. I hope the ladies still waiting to feel this joy find it soon. I don't want to keep it all for myself.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Sweet November I Surrender

I know I have been an anxious pregnant person. I just wish I could enjoy this pregnancy, especially since this is very likely to be my only one. I can't. I just want to wake up to November.

We went to visit friends this weekend about 5 hours car ride away. I told by college roommate when we arrived Friday night the big news. She was one of the handful of people that knew about our ivf and we were just 2 days shy of the big 12 weeks. It seemed like a good idea. Other than paranoia, I hadn't had any complications or scares. It was time to start telling people.

I was wrong. I woke up Saturday morning to brown spotting. Ten minutes after my shower and a fresh pair of undies, I had about a nickel's worth in my drawers. Up to this point, I hadn't had a drop of anything but a prometrium mess. I knew that spotting was normal and could mean nothing, especially in an ivf pregnancy. It could only be bad news if it was showing up now at 11 weeks and 5 days.

I called the on-call doctor who gave me all the same, "there's nothing we can do about it right now." It might be nothing. Its not because you sat in traffic for five hours. You don't need to stay in bed all day, but you should know that walking around can increase bleeding. We were staying with a friend in New York. I felt horrible that she had made plans and now we were competing for the worst house guest story in history. Why did this have to happen the first time we were out of town? Why this late? Why em?

It hung around threatening with barely there discharge all morning. Then I went to the bathroom again an hour later, bright red. Lump in my throat. Panic. Couldn't finish brunch.

We walked a couple of blocks to the Park and just sat in the sun. If I was going to be immobile for the day I might as well be laid up in Central Park. Babies were everywhere. Bad parenting was everywhere. Then, we saw a little boy with a t-shirt with the Husband's name on it. (And his name is a little more rare than John or Bob or Aiden.) Was it a sign that we were going to be ok? We sat around in the park for almost 2 hours. Went to the sketchy park bathroom again and thankfully nothing. Not a drop not a speck, nothing.

We went about the rest of our day walking about town and taking a break every hour or so to sit and use it as an excuse to eat or drink. We took it easy but we were still able to take advantage of the city. I prayed like heck all day and it stayed away.

Almost 48 hours later and nothing since. I go in for my NT screening appointment tomorrow. I hope we get some answers or at least reassurance.

I just hope that I can learn to roll with the punches a bit better until the babe is here safe and sound. But I really just wish I could wake up to November. It can't get here soon enough.

Monday, April 19, 2010

A Little Bit of This and a Little Bit of That

11 weeks woot. Feeling good. I do have a few "fun" symptoms these days.

I randomly get the pregnancy crazies. Take Saturday for instance. The husband got distracted from helping clean the bathroom (it happens twice a year, so this was exciting). I had a tantrum an hour before we had dinner guests.

Hair. Everywhere. My belly is furry and recently I have noticed some peach fuzz on my face. Nice. I am not so sure its a pregnancy symptom or a lupron hangover. Please don't stick around!

We had another sonogram on Friday and it went beautifully. The babe was moving and a shaking. I was so nervous after not finding the heartbeat on the doppler, the doctor joked the baby was jiving to all the extra adrenaline in my system. I got the very good news that I can stop the progesterone suppositories and estrogen. He recommends I stay on the baby aspirin up to delivery. That was the first time I had ever heard that recommendation. I'll go with it though. My appointment was also with the doctor who brushed off my panic when my symptoms subsided. He definitely redeemed himself.

The other good news we received at the appointment was from the insurance coordinator. I have 100% coverage! I don't pay for labs or ultrasounds or even a copay after my first visit. All fees associated with delivery are covered too. I have 48 hours for vaginal delivery and 96 for a c-section. The hospital payments (anesthesia) may be another story, but we'll figure that out soon. After receiving no help with fertility treatments this was a huge surprise and such good news.

Babymoon is coming up. Because of the husband's work schedule, hurricane season, and how I don't see myself relaxing at 6 months pregnant in 100 degree temperatures, we're taking one in two weeks. It's really more of an anniversary trip, but I can pretend.

We've told a few close friends. They are all pretty excited. The only people that know are folks that know how we got here. An awesome friend gave me a pregnancy care package with a bella band (which I hate), oils, pregnancy journal, a few books, and other spa-like gifties. Even though about ten people know, we hadn't received even a card. I think people are just as nervous as we are about the whole situation. It was nice to be treated to something special though.

Next weekend we'll start filling in everyone else. I feel like maybe my karma is paying me back for a stressful-shitty pre-conception journey. I just hope I don't use it all up now and end up with back labor for seven days.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Even your emotions have an echo in so much space

Baby still has a heart beat. Praise the Lord. What a good day. It (yep if I'm not calling it him, he's an it. Hope that doesn't offend.) has a giant head, little torso and legs. No tail. And it wiggles. I guess I am just so dang good at the physical part of pregnancy I suck at the emotional part.

Seriously folks. I have no symptoms. (Do you hate me?) Sure I am hungry all the time, but I've always had a higher than normal metabolism and could wear size 4 jeans despite having half a pizza for dinner. And ice cream. From the carton. (Do you hate me now?). Now I have to have a real breakfast, a snack two hours later, a huge lunch, a mid-afternoon snack, some munchies when I get home from work, and a giant dinner. Then clean the husband's plate. And ice cream. Maybe girl scout cookies too.

So I was on google probation and in serious freak out mode for 3 straight days. For no reason. I caved and called the doc Tuesday. Not my doc, her partner. Who I have to switch back and forth to. He did not impress. He asked a ton of questions about my symptoms before (painfully tired in the afternoon and tender breasts) and my symptoms now (none), did you do any heavy lifting (none except my 17 pound dog occassionally, oops), any stressful situations (other than constant paranoia?!)? He was like, well there's nothing we can do either way. Come in Friday for your regularly scheduled sono Friday. Ack, grr, death threats.

I panicked. I was mentally preparing to disinvite the inlaws for Easter, the inlaws who visit once ever 3-4 years. I was mentally preparing for the worst by planning my diet plan (i'm not so sure this is all emotioanl/ivf/baby bloat), make us reconnect vacation plans, how to tell my grandma. I lost sleep. I was distracted at work. For nothing. I wish I could just be as mentally strong as I am physically strong.

I guess I am what one of my favorite bloggers titles a "pregnancy viking."
Amalah (she doesn't know it, but we're virtual bff's) writes for a variety of online columns and has a website chronicalling pregnancy week by week. I find her highly hysterical. Anywho, she calls freaks without symptoms vikings. I like that term a little better than basketcase.