Monday, December 21, 2009

What keeps me up at night

I have been an on and off again insomniac for at least a decade. It was particularly bad during finals in college. I would be physically exhausted from studying but as soon as I would lie down, I was wide awake again. It flared up again when I got engaged but the phenomenon completely disappeared when I got married and I have been cured ever since. It was like my mind knew to turn itself off knowing that the body next to mine had shut down for the night. A marriage with benefits!

Since we got our diagnosis a month ago, I have been having trouble falling asleep again. This shouldn't come as a surprise. There are way too many what if's and how comes and why me's for this not to affect my sleep cycle.

I am a worrier. I stress. I can't sleep. We are still a few months away from starting our first IVF cycle and it worries me that I won't be able calm the f* down when I need to be all zen and level-headed and well-rested.

I know we are doing the right thing going forward with IVF. I don't have any religious guilt or paranoia or hesitation with moving forward. My biggest worry of the moment is did we choose the right clinic?

My Ob/Gyn recommended my doctor without hesitations. That was before our severe MFI diagnosis. She says she trusts him and recommends him and his practice whole-heartedly. Now I wonder if she still would knowing our chances of getting pregnant at all are so slim. Its hard knowing what to do when I live near some of the biggest names in A.R.T. There are even commercials on tv and the radio for the bigger, flashier clinics.

My husband is trusting his gut. He says stick with him. I am sure the fact that this clinic charges a third less than the big boys has no influence on his out of pocket pocketbook, right? If we stick with him, do we suck it up and pay for two rounds for the price of three? We know it isn't just about the money. What if we got pregnant on the first shot at a bigger clinic. We wouldn't be saving money, but we would be saving emotional stress, physical exhaustion, and maybe bring us a baby next year? My insomniac brain spins in circles.

As I was waking up after my hysteroscopy last week, my RE came to check on me. He brushed my cheek. With a caring and compassionate bedside manner like that, can I look past the slightly lower success rates?

I know there isn't a right answer. That certainly doesn't console the insomniac or lull her to sleep.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Copious EWCM

Since we just met and all, I am going to try to not be TMI. But this is a fertility blog, so isn’t it all TMI?

Silly pre-diagnosis me, I once thought we were fertile and would drink gallons of green tea to get the EWCM and boost our baby making abilities. It never amounted to much.

But of course.

I have to abstain.
Polypectomy in the AM.
Stupid Dr.

Fingers and toes crossed that it goes well.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

My Sick Sixth Sense
Much to my mother’s chagrin, my Barbies were never astronauts or police officers or politicians. They were always mommies. I must have been eight or nine, playing Barbies in the basement with a friend. I remember thinking it would be the worst thing in the world to not grow up one day and be one too.
At eight?! What the hell was wrong with me? What elementary school child thinks these things? I don’t think I even knew any childless couples, the thought just came to me that living without a child of my own would be a devastating outcome, a lonely life to live.
When I was reading other infertility blogs at the beginning of this process, I read about other women who looking back, laugh at the idea they cried when they didn’t get pregnant the first month. That was me too. But I think I was crying because I wanted my gut instinct to be wrong. I knew that this was going to be a long painful process. I knew something was wrong with me. I could feel it. I just didn’t know I wouldn’t be the only one with a problem.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

To Anonymous or Not to Anonymous, That is the Question.

Like so many other women fighting infertility with the controversial big guns/stirrups/stims blazing, I am fighting the question to write this blog anonymously. If I can’t tell all of my friends and family what we are going through, why should I tell you?

When we learned we were going to go down the path of the "Road-More-Taken-Than-Some-Would-Think," I read dozens of blogs to gain some insight from those of you who marched the path before me. I needed to see your face. See your child’s face. I wanted to know how old you were, what you did to get here, and see the proof in the Petri dish if not the playpen. To know I was not alone and so many women survive this process made the whole idea more possible.

I hate that I might be denying you that same assurance but right now that is the right thing to do for me, for my husband, and for my Petri dish. I might change my mind, but for now.

Ever yours,