Doubt

I hope I am just reverting to old habits here and its not my sick sixth sense. I have doubt. Unctontrollable worry. Paranoia. And no symptoms.

The exhaustion disappeared on Thursday. For almost four weeks at about 3 pm I would feel compelled to take a nap and feel exhausted until I went to bed at 10. Thursday I was sitting in class and felt great. Shit.

Then yesterday I noticed that my breasts weren't sore. At all. Then I realized the burps were gone. The bloat has subsided. The funny ovary pain I sometimes had when I crossed my legs had disappeared too.

I google "disappearing symptoms", "eight weeks symptoms vanish." I got some reassurance and some ugly true stories. Googling also told me missed miscarriages happen in 1% of all pregnancies. At my last RE appointment my doctor said that the likelihood of a miscarriage after seeing a heartbeat was very very low.

I was up several hours last night worried. My husband didn't take the news well and we got in a tiff. He's worried too.

I am obsessing. I just hope its an unfounded fear. I'm not so sure I can wait until Friday morning for another sonogram. I hate this. And I feel like a cocky brat for being so hopeful and positive in the last several posts.

How do I hate thee, let me count the ways?

I hate thee to the depth and bredth and height of a 2" progesterone suppository. They are the bane of my existence at the moment, or three times a day every day for the last five weeks. I am grateful that I don't have the burning PIO injection, but I still hate them.

1. Its a $9 a day habit.
2. Bloat
3. Three times a day
4. Three more weeks
5. Panty liners don't cut it
6. High absorbency pads barely cut it.
7. No bleeding, but I have to wear a pad every freaking day. I feel like I am back in middle school.
8. It took me a pair of light colored wool pants to discover that the panty liners weren't cutting it. It looked like I wet my pants. Two weeks of work clothes with a lovely dark stain.
9. $60 dry cleaning bill.
10. I am going to blame my moody behavior on them too while I am at it.

8 weeks pregnant. I hope. That paranoia still creeps in there every day between my next sonogram. Only 11 suppositories until I get to see the bean again.

Neither Here Nor There

My little peanut is still there. Heart beating. And we freaking graduated. I had no idea going in for my second sonogram meant that I was moving on to the ob. Crazy. Someone should have warned me!

Today I had my first appointment with the ob and she's amazing. Amazing. She said she understands that I've gotten a lot of hand holding along the way. So I get to have another sonogram in two weeks rather than waiting until my ten week appointment. She said that if I feel like anything is wrong I should come in everyday if I need to. Love.

Hearing every infertility journey along the way and reading all these women's stories helped give me the strength that I could make it this far. It showed me that this crazy science works. It showed me its a hard battle but that I could do it.

I feel like an outsider, an imposter. I am not the rosy faced and naive mother-to-be but I am not a battle-scarred infertile survivor either. Sure I had to go through ivf to get pregnant, but we started the process as soon as I had a feeling something was fundamentally wrong, less than a year after I stopped birth control. Then it worked on the first try. I know its early and I might sound incredibly naive to women who have been where I am and yet didn't get to take home a baby. I know things can still go wrong but today I am happy.

I feel bad for having an infertility blog when I cannot identify with all of the feelings that can come with an infertility blog. I have had despair, doubt and depression. I had to take multiple injections a day that burned and stung. We paid thousands of dollars to have what some women get for free after one too many mojitos. I am still taking three pills a day, suppositories three times a day, pelvic bedrest, etc. Yet, I still feel happy for other pregnant women regardless of what they did or didn't do to get there. I still feel hopeful that I can be an infertility urban legend and have a surprise bfp someday.

I just love what the blog world has done for me. You gave me hope.

How Sweet It Is

To see our little bean on the screen. Just one. The doctor could see the yolk sac and the fetal pole. And a strong chance that he saw the heart beat. It was so unbelievable. The husband was there and we were both giggling.

Last week I was upset over my betas and coming to interpret the evidence that there had been two. I was disappointed. Today seeing our one baby made me just so grateful. So happy. We are so lucky to have this one.

My doctor was so sweet. He asked me if he could give me a hug. This is why we stuck with him. He is so genuinely excited for us. The office staff was high fiving me and smiling. Being so far away from our families its nice to have this surrogate support system.

And we have a due date. November 8. This is all starting to feel a little real.

Just Breathe

I can't thank you all enough for the positive encouragement. The past two days have been hard. But today I was called with good news, beta 974!

My doctor called me after I spoke to the nurse Wednesday and he said, "if I'm not worried, you shouldn't be!" Although its too soon to tell, he thinks that more than one implanted and one just slowed down. My numbers are good for today and I'll take it. I have another beta Monday and if it keeps rising, I'll have a sonogram next Thursday.

I stress and I worry. When we were cycling I was so empowered that I was handling treatments well and was a good responder. I could take each day at a time and move forward. This beta business is a whole other ball game. I can't control it and I'm just along for the ride. Its hard, but I need to remind myself to take a step back and just breathe.

Panic at the Beta

So it was a slooow rise, 470. Ensue panic.

I asked my nurse about the slow rise and she says she isn't worried. She says they don't always double. This is normal. She tole me to schedule my next beta for Friday. She even went to say that I should plan on having an ultrasound the middle of next week.

Please please please let this be ok.

The Lucky One

And the lucky 310! Yesterday, I had my blood test and a mere two hours later, a voicemail on my cell phone. My husband and I planned on waiting to listen to it until we were home together so I wouldn't have to give good or bad news over the phone while he was stuck at work. It was a long day watching the minutes pass.

We are so so happy. We feel so blessed. So lucky.

We called our parents right away. We live 8 hours away and with our treatments, it didn't seem practical to tell them in a cute sentimental way. Its all so scientific and methodical. We also knew that if something goes wrong, we would need their support. It'll just be the four of them and my sister who knows anything until the second trimester, should we make it that far. (And maybe my grandma, she's a saint and good at keeping secrets.)

My parents have known each step of the process, but his didn't know we had started treatment. My mom and dad were out at a restaurant, but I think my mom was expecting my call even though she didn't know it was beta day. She was so happy, but told me to call in a few hours after I had some time to digest the news and take it in. My father-in-law was home, but my mother-in-law was running errands. We told him the news and he was so ecstatic. He hollered into the phone, ooooweee! We called back in thirty minutes and he pretended he didn't know and we told both of them on speaker phone. I so wish we could have done it in person to hug and kiss and cry. But nothing about this process has been how I imagined it. So, we'll take what we can get. We want their prayers for a safe, healthy pregnancy and weren't willing to wait to have them.

As for the impatient stir-crazy girl who wrote last week? She found some comfort at 8dp3dt. I had that twinge I wanted so badly. Some cramps. And then some lovely blue veins appeared on my chest. By 3 pm in the afternoon I was so dang tired it was hard to stay focused at work. But I kept wondering if it was just my imagination or cruel side-effects. It wasn't. I am pregnant!