My boss was made the big cheese just about a year ago. Despite a twenty year age difference, we had a great rapport and worked well together as a team, almost as equals. After his promotion, things have changed. We don't have many conversations about our families or our life outside of the office. Its been an adjustment for me however I thought it was important for him to know my situation since I have to miss so much work for appointments.
It was a huge mistake. When I told him, his face turned red and said, "that's exciting." Babies are exciting, this process is not. He obviously didn't get it. I gave him my estimate as to when the procedures might fall and he didn't even bother to respond. When we discovered we have a deadline that coincides with the embryo transfer, I reminded him that I might not be here that day. He said, "you said you'd only miss one day." Dammit. No. You didn't listen. I was so tempted to hand over my ivf calendar so he would understand I wasn't jerking him around.
Then you have my husband's boss. He is the rainmaker with a very stern and serious personality. Its all work and no play. No conversations about vacations or sports or even the weather. But two weeks ago, he pulled my husband into his office to ask if anything was wrong. He had noticed a change in my husband's work and was concerned. A man who I am sure doesn't even know my name was showing emotion and compassion to our situation. He has been terribly supportive and been more than accomodating.
What rocked me to my core was the fact that he had a better idea that this was hitting my husband more than even I had noticed. At home my husband has been so strong and so supportive. It was hard for me to believe that this had leaked into his professional life enough that it was affecting his work. My husband is smart, dedicated and a hard worker. He is good at what he does. I didn't want him to be consumed by this and I didn't know it already had.
We're all dealing with this the best we can. I just wish more people out there knew what a serious process this all is. We can use all the support we can get.
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As your two bosses prove: You never know how someone is going to react.
ReplyDeleteWith your boss, perhaps it would be good to cover yourself with a discrete memo or email to him outlining your anticipated dates (but dates only, no procedure information required) out of the office so that it is in writing and he is not relying on his (now obviously flawed) memory of your conversation. Good luck!
As far as widespread understanding, when the nurses at my OB's office don't understand the difference in dating for a medicated cycle vs. a normal cycle I hold out little hope for the rest of society. Even then, it's such a personal thing that you never know who might have experience until you out yourself which is so hard to do without making it a BIG DEAL. And that's not what you want, you just want muted understanding. (Or at least that's my perspective.)
Sorry for the book - what you've written really made me think (in a good way)!
I'm sorry this whole thing has been so stressful and that your boss hasn't been very understanding. I hope that this will be your cycle.
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