Thursday, March 7, 2013

I have a secret

Hi friends.  We're back in the game.  Little man turned two last fall and we're ready for another.  To get you up to speed, we never used birth control after his birth and prayed we'd be one of the lucky ones.  We weren't, and I'm ok with that.  My son is high maintenance and I don't think he or I would have handled the transition to two very well when he was any younger.

But we are ready now.  We started a frozen cycle in December, taking bcp's and getting excited.  Then, they found the world's largest cyst that wouldn't go away.  We were heart broken, but it felt like it just wasn't time yet.  Today, the cyst is all but gone, I'm on day thirteen of lupron and will start estradiol tonight.  Since we had a successful ivf cycle the first time around, I never had to use intramuscular injections.  Heaven help my husband as he does his first tonight.

I'm getting excited.  I was so scared and cautious and anxious the last time around, I didn't let myself get excited.  The fear of living life childless was the most overwhelming feeling of my life and I wouldn't let myself get my hopes up.  Now, I know what the love of a mother feels like, the hugs, the kisses, the sleepless nights and worries.  I know every fever, every early morning, every needle is worth it. 

I'm worried that my positive outlook this time around is setting me up for major disappointment.  We've already been at this one cycle for going on three months.  It's hard for me to imagine that we've gone through all this work for naught.

I am excited.  There I said it.  Who wants to be excited with me?