All the husband's hugs and kisses and all the chocolate in the world couldn't put Just Wishing and Hoping together again!
Last weekend was emotional and I can't blame it on hormones. I don't know if I had been in denial for weeks and was finally waking up to reality or if I just needed time to cry. Again and again.
It scared my husband. He had thought I had been hopeful and strong in resolve. Which I am. I think? I am committed and I want to make this happen. I feel we will have a baby someday. But he didn't want me to crack. He didn't want me to fall.
This week I worked to put myself back together.
First stop, acupuncture. We talked for a long time about my medical history about how I handle (or don't handle...) stress. She placed the needles and I laid on the table not thinking about work or infertility for a blissful 25 minutes.
I am not sure it was the good Qi that did the trick. It just felt so good to hear someone tell me I was doing a good job and I was strong enough and healthy enough to do this and have a good chance of success. I don't know if I have heard this positive enthusiasm yet. She also encouraged me to do one stress relieving activity a day like excercise, enjoying a hobby, and even laughing. I can do that! If this first round of IVF doesn't work, I will know that the acupuncture helped me find some balance, some calm, and a real cheerleader.
Then this morning I heard a beautiful sermon at church. It focused on finding the glory in the everyday. I think reminding myself this will help me stop obsessing about myself and my circumstances. There is so much good and I know that I am blessed. People have walked a harder path. There will be good days and bad and its my job to focus on the good and the glory.
I am back together today. I might not be next week or next month or after beta day. But today I am feeling whole again.
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One piece of advice (or assvice, dunno for sure which :-)) I could give you regarding the stress level in your life is something that I first saw at Susan, whose blog is http://www.sprogblogger.com/.
ReplyDeleteShe has this 'Days of Grace', and almost every day she writes five things or persons or events of anything that make her happy during the day/week/life.
She started one year ago and even though she has been through A LOT, she says now that she is no longer as bitter as one year ago. I agree, it is not the same thing with stress, but it could be of help. When you realise that there are so many things in your life that make you happy but you just can't see them anymore because of your ordeal, somehow it makes it a bit easier. It's like a sin - confessing it is to have it half pardoned.
I hope you feel better soon.