Neither Here Nor There

My little peanut is still there. Heart beating. And we freaking graduated. I had no idea going in for my second sonogram meant that I was moving on to the ob. Crazy. Someone should have warned me!

Today I had my first appointment with the ob and she's amazing. Amazing. She said she understands that I've gotten a lot of hand holding along the way. So I get to have another sonogram in two weeks rather than waiting until my ten week appointment. She said that if I feel like anything is wrong I should come in everyday if I need to. Love.

Hearing every infertility journey along the way and reading all these women's stories helped give me the strength that I could make it this far. It showed me that this crazy science works. It showed me its a hard battle but that I could do it.

I feel like an outsider, an imposter. I am not the rosy faced and naive mother-to-be but I am not a battle-scarred infertile survivor either. Sure I had to go through ivf to get pregnant, but we started the process as soon as I had a feeling something was fundamentally wrong, less than a year after I stopped birth control. Then it worked on the first try. I know its early and I might sound incredibly naive to women who have been where I am and yet didn't get to take home a baby. I know things can still go wrong but today I am happy.

I feel bad for having an infertility blog when I cannot identify with all of the feelings that can come with an infertility blog. I have had despair, doubt and depression. I had to take multiple injections a day that burned and stung. We paid thousands of dollars to have what some women get for free after one too many mojitos. I am still taking three pills a day, suppositories three times a day, pelvic bedrest, etc. Yet, I still feel happy for other pregnant women regardless of what they did or didn't do to get there. I still feel hopeful that I can be an infertility urban legend and have a surprise bfp someday.

I just love what the blog world has done for me. You gave me hope.