Downfall of Anonymity

I identify so much with my fellow bloggers. I love to hear the personal stories and about their life outside of infertility. So, since I don't want to give out my name, or specifics of my geography, or my career, I'll give you some random JWH trivia.

1. I have one spoiled mutt puppy.
2. I love margaritas and sweet tea.
3. I love to read (Emily Giffin, Rebecca Wells, Fitzgerald) .
4. Favorite movies are: Love Actually, 500 Days of Summer, Curious Case of Benjamin Button.
5. I like the color pink.
6. My sister and I saw Spice World in theatres.
7. My first concert was Amy Grant in the 4th grade.
8. The panda bear is my favorite animal. My dad took me to the London Zoo only to discover they no longer had pandas. It was a sad day for me, but maybe sadder for my father.
9. I love college football.
10. When I was in middle school I wanted to grow up to be the next Joan Lunden.
11. I learned neglecting to stick yourself in a fold of chub HURTS.
12. I like even numbers.

Happy Friday.
JWH

Boom Boom Pow

Its our new theme song. For two nights I've been pumping myself full of lupron. It stings for a second, then a nice burning sensation for about thirty seconds. That's it. The funny thing is watching me stick myself with a needle helped my husband sleep better than he has in months.

On Monday, he came with me to the doctor and was in the exam room during the mock transfer. I am glad he was able to get a glimpse of all the tests I have been going through for months now. He needed a little eye opener and I like the pity. It was also nice to have another set of ears when we were given our instruction on meds, schedule, dos (take that trip before beta day, eat cheese) and donts (no running, no eliptical).

I am expecting my period to start this weekend. I usually have several days of spotting before. Should I be expecting a regular cycle while on lupron? I'm not sure if I should be prepared for better or worse or when I should be calling the doctor to start the next round of drugs.

Its great to be moving forward and working on our first cycle. I feel so empowered and positive that we are doing something. I am so very hopeful.

My moment of grace this week? Dancing in our new kitchen to some Harry Connick, Jr. It's something I'll remember when the lupron makes me want to give him some boom boom pow.

Just Wishing and Hoping had a Great Fall

All the husband's hugs and kisses and all the chocolate in the world couldn't put Just Wishing and Hoping together again!

Last weekend was emotional and I can't blame it on hormones. I don't know if I had been in denial for weeks and was finally waking up to reality or if I just needed time to cry. Again and again.

It scared my husband. He had thought I had been hopeful and strong in resolve. Which I am. I think? I am committed and I want to make this happen. I feel we will have a baby someday. But he didn't want me to crack. He didn't want me to fall.

This week I worked to put myself back together.

First stop, acupuncture. We talked for a long time about my medical history about how I handle (or don't handle...) stress. She placed the needles and I laid on the table not thinking about work or infertility for a blissful 25 minutes.

I am not sure it was the good Qi that did the trick. It just felt so good to hear someone tell me I was doing a good job and I was strong enough and healthy enough to do this and have a good chance of success. I don't know if I have heard this positive enthusiasm yet. She also encouraged me to do one stress relieving activity a day like excercise, enjoying a hobby, and even laughing. I can do that! If this first round of IVF doesn't work, I will know that the acupuncture helped me find some balance, some calm, and a real cheerleader.

Then this morning I heard a beautiful sermon at church. It focused on finding the glory in the everyday. I think reminding myself this will help me stop obsessing about myself and my circumstances. There is so much good and I know that I am blessed. People have walked a harder path. There will be good days and bad and its my job to focus on the good and the glory.

I am back together today. I might not be next week or next month or after beta day. But today I am feeling whole again.

A bad day

With the holidays and traveling and some home projects, I've been able to coast through the past month with limited anxiety. This was my first weekend in town. The first one since our diagnosis without a long holiday to-do list distracting me. I was back in my routine and the reality of our situation hit me again. Or maybe not so much the reality of the situation, but the icky negativity of the situation hitting me again.

I am sort of stuck in a lackluster job. I had been waiting to look for a new job because I believed I would be pregnant soon. Here I am, almost a year later in the same blah job. Because of some new job responsibilities I am committed to my job for another six months, at least.

I used to think I was an ambitious career woman that would find fulfillment in her job. I don't think I am that person anymore. I have new goals and new priorities in life. But what if my goal of being a mother is unattainable? Where can I find that fulfillment again? Will looking for it now make our infertility journey more bearable? Is it the right time? Will it ever be the right time?

I am stuck in this icky place today wondering what is the point.

Just got off the phone

With the pharmacy. 12 drugs. One on ice. Has to be delivered to my office so I can sign for them. Arriving a week from tomorrow. I was excited to hear it was only going to cost $1823.91. Also excited to hear there is one valium included.

On your marks...

Today I had cycle day 3 testing, a sonogram and blood tests. I'll be starting Lupron for our first ivf cycle in 20 days. I didn't expect to feel as excited as I was today. The doctors and nurses seemed almost as enthusiastic as I did. We have a plan. The journey is about to begin. We are on our marks!

However, for the umpteenth time we discussed our insurance coverage, or lack thereof. My doctor then felt the need to reinforce the fact that our chances of success for each round is 40-45%. I get it. It was sort of an odd juxtaposition of the thrill of a new cycle (fresh meat?!) and the "please don't expect a miracle straight out of the gate" fine print.

But I am still thrilled to be where I am today. I am grateful that we have the chance to go forward with ivf despite the fact that we must pay for it on our own. I know many women do not have the opportunity to try. I am thrilled that we are being proactive and doing something about our desire to have a baby.

Like many bloggers I am reminded of one of my new years resolutions today--stress less. One step at time. I can do this.

The one with the wet pants

This one time at the fertility clinic... they forgot to tell me that there might be some umm... leakage after my saline sonogram. That would have been very helpful information before I hurriedly put my clothes back on and jumped in the car to get to work.

The exam revealed I had polyps (lucky 13 if you're wondering). This meant yet another procedure before we could start treatment. I think my doctor must have been too busy consoling this blubbering mess of hormones to inform me that I should take my time putting myself back together.

So I get in the car and about halfway there I start to feel a little damp. Now its December. I'm wearing wool herringbone pants. The best way to avoid being spotted and catching pneumonia is to pull into a parking garage downtown. Since I'm late for work, the lot is full and I need to wait for the parking attendant to take my car. Wouldn't you know it? There is a girl there from college waiting to pick up her car. My face is pink and puffy and I have freaking wet my pants. This is no time to have a conversation with a long lost sorority sister.

My guardian angel decided to wake up from her year-long nap and somehow I found myself back at my desk. Now if only she would have managed to remind me to pack a lunch. This is no time to stand in line for a sandwich.