Monday, December 21, 2009

What keeps me up at night

I have been an on and off again insomniac for at least a decade. It was particularly bad during finals in college. I would be physically exhausted from studying but as soon as I would lie down, I was wide awake again. It flared up again when I got engaged but the phenomenon completely disappeared when I got married and I have been cured ever since. It was like my mind knew to turn itself off knowing that the body next to mine had shut down for the night. A marriage with benefits!

Since we got our diagnosis a month ago, I have been having trouble falling asleep again. This shouldn't come as a surprise. There are way too many what if's and how comes and why me's for this not to affect my sleep cycle.

I am a worrier. I stress. I can't sleep. We are still a few months away from starting our first IVF cycle and it worries me that I won't be able calm the f* down when I need to be all zen and level-headed and well-rested.

I know we are doing the right thing going forward with IVF. I don't have any religious guilt or paranoia or hesitation with moving forward. My biggest worry of the moment is did we choose the right clinic?

My Ob/Gyn recommended my doctor without hesitations. That was before our severe MFI diagnosis. She says she trusts him and recommends him and his practice whole-heartedly. Now I wonder if she still would knowing our chances of getting pregnant at all are so slim. Its hard knowing what to do when I live near some of the biggest names in A.R.T. There are even commercials on tv and the radio for the bigger, flashier clinics.

My husband is trusting his gut. He says stick with him. I am sure the fact that this clinic charges a third less than the big boys has no influence on his out of pocket pocketbook, right? If we stick with him, do we suck it up and pay for two rounds for the price of three? We know it isn't just about the money. What if we got pregnant on the first shot at a bigger clinic. We wouldn't be saving money, but we would be saving emotional stress, physical exhaustion, and maybe bring us a baby next year? My insomniac brain spins in circles.

As I was waking up after my hysteroscopy last week, my RE came to check on me. He brushed my cheek. With a caring and compassionate bedside manner like that, can I look past the slightly lower success rates?

I know there isn't a right answer. That certainly doesn't console the insomniac or lull her to sleep.

2 comments:

  1. I haven't been myself on that road, but I have friends who have.
    The most important thing is to trust your doc.
    One of my friends went to a very fancy clinic and spent 5 minutes with a very arrogant young hot shot, and decided that she is still shopping around. the clinic is fancy and has good reputation, but here in Europe they are a bit differently classified. Anyway, she is a believer in a first impression and felt it would add to her difficult times ahead with
    shots and pills and monitoring and retrieval to have to deal with a stuck up doc.
    You won't find your sleep fall into a soothing pattern soon, because the road ahead is full of unknown and uncontrollable factors, and these can inspire dread to everyone. But you will feel better once you decide how you feel about your doc.
    No one can guarantee you anything. But you can rely on your intuition and hope that it guides you well.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think the most important thing is finding a dr you trust and can have a relationship with. The SART stats only give you part of the answer. I loved that my RE called to check up on my and was available pretty much all the time via email (seriously, he even emailed me back at night, don't know when the man slept). If your gut feels good with your current doc, then go for it. I had horrible insomnia the whole time we were in treatments, I think it is just the unknown and the stress

    good luck deciding...

    ReplyDelete