Wednesday, December 16, 2009

My Sick Sixth Sense
Much to my mother’s chagrin, my Barbies were never astronauts or police officers or politicians. They were always mommies. I must have been eight or nine, playing Barbies in the basement with a friend. I remember thinking it would be the worst thing in the world to not grow up one day and be one too.
At eight?! What the hell was wrong with me? What elementary school child thinks these things? I don’t think I even knew any childless couples, the thought just came to me that living without a child of my own would be a devastating outcome, a lonely life to live.
When I was reading other infertility blogs at the beginning of this process, I read about other women who looking back, laugh at the idea they cried when they didn’t get pregnant the first month. That was me too. But I think I was crying because I wanted my gut instinct to be wrong. I knew that this was going to be a long painful process. I knew something was wrong with me. I could feel it. I just didn’t know I wouldn’t be the only one with a problem.

4 comments:

  1. Dear Any (I have troubles with long names),

    I am very sorry to hear that you are going down the road-not-wanted.
    I may not be the most appropriate person to welcome you to the blogging world, since I have not gone through what you have, but believe me that I am truly and deeply sorry. And while I may not understand some things because I lack the experience, I know it is rough on you and please know that you are not alone and you can always count on your virtual friends.
    I hope your dreams will soon become reality and your blog will transform into a pregnancy diary. :-))
    Stay strong.

    Mina

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  2. I know that sixth sense! I was just six when I decided my goal in life was to be a mommy. I wanted six kids -- since I was in elementary school. And, somehow, I always knew that because I wanted it so much, it would be difficult for me.

    And it has.

    What gets me through, though, is the OTHER sixth sense -- the one that tells me that I WILL have kids, eventually. I've never believed or felt that I would remain childless -- just that the journey would be hard.

    I guess I say all this just to tell you that I believe in your "sixth sense" and hope and pray that your journey soon has the intended result.

    Hugs,
    Jo

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  3. I sort of had that as well. When I was 16, I declared that I would never be pregnant and would only have children if I adopted. How true that is now and I actually would love to be pregnant these days as my perspective has changed.

    You aren't alone.

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  4. Blah...the internet just ate my comment.

    Here from the round-up. I had a similar 6th sense and I did have a sarcastic laugh when it proved to be right. Turns out it didn't mean I wouldn't be a mom, it just wouldn't be on my timetable.

    Sorry you are in this place. I'll hold out hope that your 6th sense is wrong...like mine was

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