I’m a bad infertile. I depress with my success. I unload my anxieties. I stop writing because I am both too happy and too scared and feel too guilty for going straight to IVF and getting pregnant on my first try. So many other infertiles fight for years and here I was, this naïve, but pained woman. I got lucky. I was blessed. I want it again.
The rest of my pregnancy was plagued by fear, pains and emotions. But, it was all worth it. My baby boy was born healthy and beautiful. I had the perfect labor, thirteen hours, my mom made it in time, it was all so smooth. I will do it again.
My maternity leave was a blur. For twelve weeks, my perfect baby was fussy. Unless he was held and patted on the butt, he cried. No, he didn’t have reflux. He was just high needs. It was stressful, draining and frustrating. I would do it again.
As soon as I went back to work, he calmed down, started smiling more, interacting more. It simply appeared the baby we wanted so badly needed a break from his mommy. I felt guilty for wanting a break myself. I wait to do it again.
There will be another. We don’t know if it will be a two years from now, having success with a FET. We don’t know if it will be six months from now with a miracle. We don’t know if it will be five years from now with our lucky millionth cycle. But we have our little boy and I have to have another of our own. I loved being pregnant. I loved giving birth. I want more.
If I sound greedy, bitchy or needy, I apologize. If I could take what I have and share it with all of those women that felt the despair I did just one year ago, I would. I thank the Lord for this blessing and I wish the same for you.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Ooh Baby!
You can probably guess that each absence means that things are good and I'm here at 17 weeks with a real bump. Too bad the handful of my readers only get an earful when I'm stressed and paranoid.
If you're still with me, thanks for sticking with me because I have some big updates.
First, it's a boy! I was having some new issues (more on that in a second) and my doctor suggested we take a peak. There is no denying that come this fall there will be another Y chromosome in the house. We are so so happy. The husband got a little teary when he heard the news.
Second, the shopping exploded. Monkey tee, check! First hoodie, check! Bedding, lamp, and changing pad, check! Oops. I told you it exploded. I had been eyeing things but hadn't bought anything even after my self imposed shopping embargo lifted officially at 12 weeks. It just seemed that when I had a better idea of who this new little person is, I couldn't help myself. I knew where I wanted him to sleep. I knew how my little boy should be dressed. It was so unreal to know that this is a future human. For real!
Now on to some pregnancy issues that no one wants to talk about.
First, I don't recommend going to Mexico or any other Latin American/developing country during pregnancy. I am a very healthy girl by most accounts. I rarely take a sick day and can eat a pound of spoiled meat and be the only one left standing. However, I didn't stand a chance in Mexico. I had two solid weeks of digestive issues after we got back. I didn't drink the water, I only ate at reputable establishments, and we stayed in the freaking hotel zone where 90% of the establishments use the water purification system set up for wimpy Americans such as myself. But 16 days and 4 doctors appointments later, all seems to be on the mend. When I managed to start eating normal food again, I managed to put on 4! pounds in one week. That was embarassing.
Second, holy groin pull batman! I was experiencing what some would call round ligament pain in the vaginal region. It hurt to stand up, sit too long, walk. When I mentioned it to the doctor as a happenstance, she suggested we check out my cervix. Fortunately, it was tigher than Fort Knox. Unfortunately, it may be a pain I have to endure during the remainder of my pregnancy. Although I exercise and eat well for the most part, my body is a little bit weak for even the meager 7 pounds I've gained. I'm trying yoga with hopes that will help. I'm just warning any of you and don't want you to be freaked out if you find yourself in a similar painful situation. This wasn't something any of the books had mentioned. Dr. Google certainly wasn't helpful either.
I know that this might very well be my only pregnancy and I am embracing these issues with all the gratefulness one lady can posess.
If you're still with me, thanks for sticking with me because I have some big updates.
First, it's a boy! I was having some new issues (more on that in a second) and my doctor suggested we take a peak. There is no denying that come this fall there will be another Y chromosome in the house. We are so so happy. The husband got a little teary when he heard the news.
Second, the shopping exploded. Monkey tee, check! First hoodie, check! Bedding, lamp, and changing pad, check! Oops. I told you it exploded. I had been eyeing things but hadn't bought anything even after my self imposed shopping embargo lifted officially at 12 weeks. It just seemed that when I had a better idea of who this new little person is, I couldn't help myself. I knew where I wanted him to sleep. I knew how my little boy should be dressed. It was so unreal to know that this is a future human. For real!
Now on to some pregnancy issues that no one wants to talk about.
First, I don't recommend going to Mexico or any other Latin American/developing country during pregnancy. I am a very healthy girl by most accounts. I rarely take a sick day and can eat a pound of spoiled meat and be the only one left standing. However, I didn't stand a chance in Mexico. I had two solid weeks of digestive issues after we got back. I didn't drink the water, I only ate at reputable establishments, and we stayed in the freaking hotel zone where 90% of the establishments use the water purification system set up for wimpy Americans such as myself. But 16 days and 4 doctors appointments later, all seems to be on the mend. When I managed to start eating normal food again, I managed to put on 4! pounds in one week. That was embarassing.
Second, holy groin pull batman! I was experiencing what some would call round ligament pain in the vaginal region. It hurt to stand up, sit too long, walk. When I mentioned it to the doctor as a happenstance, she suggested we check out my cervix. Fortunately, it was tigher than Fort Knox. Unfortunately, it may be a pain I have to endure during the remainder of my pregnancy. Although I exercise and eat well for the most part, my body is a little bit weak for even the meager 7 pounds I've gained. I'm trying yoga with hopes that will help. I'm just warning any of you and don't want you to be freaked out if you find yourself in a similar painful situation. This wasn't something any of the books had mentioned. Dr. Google certainly wasn't helpful either.
I know that this might very well be my only pregnancy and I am embracing these issues with all the gratefulness one lady can posess.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Oh bla di oh bla dah
Here I sit at 15 and a half weeks. Content. Happy. I apologize for my absence but it’s hard to come up with material when I have a history of “Help! Freaking! Panic!” posts that turn out to be nothing.
Babymoon was nice but in no way satisfying. I had a hard time relaxing until the last pool day when it occurred to me that I was wasting my child free vacation under an umbrella. Now I know why women wait. I still have six months to go and I keep planning more getaways. This is it, this is our last trip. “Let’s go to Chicago for the weekend to see the Cubs and dine with Rick Bayless!” How about a day trip to the mountains. “We don’t hike but let’s bring our sixteen pound pup. He’d like it. In fact, it was his idea!” The weather is finally nice and we’re just as close to the ocean as we are the mountains. “We’ve never been to the shore. Let’s go swimming. Eat fresh crab. Sit on a front porch with a glass of lemonade.”
I know I am going to totally refute this claim in a few weeks, but I totally popped. It’s no longer pudge, but a real belly. I’d post a picture, but then I wouldn’t be the only one refuting my claim. Almost all pants are now maternity, and those that are not are under the strain of a hair band. My shirts are stretched to the max too. Because of my build, I was never able to wear empire waist tops or shirts before. I didn’t want to look pregnant when I wasn’t. Now I regret only purchasing fitted tops. I have absolutely nothing to wear in this interim phase. Sure, I have “popped,” but maternity shirts look like tents. Whoever designs maternity clothes needs to learn that working women need more clothes than loud printed graphic shirts. And what working pregnant woman care wear a plunging neckline?
We’re being spoiled now. I have three standing offers for a baby shower. I don’t have enough friends or family to support THREE and I don’t know if the interested parties are folks that can successfully collaborate. I might have to employ the pregnant crazies and hormone tears to get out of this one. And woe is me, my mom offered to buy our crib. Somehow I don’t think she’d fly for the beautiful Restoration Hardware ensemble. She’s a little more practical than I am.
I’m alive. I am breathing and my baby is safe. I am ever so grateful.
Babymoon was nice but in no way satisfying. I had a hard time relaxing until the last pool day when it occurred to me that I was wasting my child free vacation under an umbrella. Now I know why women wait. I still have six months to go and I keep planning more getaways. This is it, this is our last trip. “Let’s go to Chicago for the weekend to see the Cubs and dine with Rick Bayless!” How about a day trip to the mountains. “We don’t hike but let’s bring our sixteen pound pup. He’d like it. In fact, it was his idea!” The weather is finally nice and we’re just as close to the ocean as we are the mountains. “We’ve never been to the shore. Let’s go swimming. Eat fresh crab. Sit on a front porch with a glass of lemonade.”
I know I am going to totally refute this claim in a few weeks, but I totally popped. It’s no longer pudge, but a real belly. I’d post a picture, but then I wouldn’t be the only one refuting my claim. Almost all pants are now maternity, and those that are not are under the strain of a hair band. My shirts are stretched to the max too. Because of my build, I was never able to wear empire waist tops or shirts before. I didn’t want to look pregnant when I wasn’t. Now I regret only purchasing fitted tops. I have absolutely nothing to wear in this interim phase. Sure, I have “popped,” but maternity shirts look like tents. Whoever designs maternity clothes needs to learn that working women need more clothes than loud printed graphic shirts. And what working pregnant woman care wear a plunging neckline?
We’re being spoiled now. I have three standing offers for a baby shower. I don’t have enough friends or family to support THREE and I don’t know if the interested parties are folks that can successfully collaborate. I might have to employ the pregnant crazies and hormone tears to get out of this one. And woe is me, my mom offered to buy our crib. Somehow I don’t think she’d fly for the beautiful Restoration Hardware ensemble. She’s a little more practical than I am.
I’m alive. I am breathing and my baby is safe. I am ever so grateful.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
On the Sunny Side of the Street
It doesn't mean that the clouds won't cover the sunshine or I won't take a wrong turn and end up on the shady, doubtful, paranoid side of the street, but I'm back in the light.
I think I knew when I walked into the appointment everything was going to be ok. My first external ultrasound went well and we got great measurements for the NT screening. The baby has a little nose and little toes. I don't know if its because I had to fly solo for the first time or because the appointment was cloaked in fear, but it didn't have the same giddy thrill of previous appointments.
We do kind of have a diagnosis for the spotting, a low lying placenta. Dun dun dun. That means more spotting could be in my future, but the placenta is likely to move and it shouldn't cause longterm problems.
12 weeks, 2 days and 5 good looking ultrasounds led us to the decision to start going public. We were talking to the husband's cousin last night and she was surprised we were able to keep it a secret for so long. Because I was so worried and concerned for 8 weeks it didn't seem like it was a hard secret to keep. It didn't feel real. Now that the floodgates are open it's amazing the love and support we have found. I hope the ladies still waiting to feel this joy find it soon. I don't want to keep it all for myself.
I think I knew when I walked into the appointment everything was going to be ok. My first external ultrasound went well and we got great measurements for the NT screening. The baby has a little nose and little toes. I don't know if its because I had to fly solo for the first time or because the appointment was cloaked in fear, but it didn't have the same giddy thrill of previous appointments.
We do kind of have a diagnosis for the spotting, a low lying placenta. Dun dun dun. That means more spotting could be in my future, but the placenta is likely to move and it shouldn't cause longterm problems.
12 weeks, 2 days and 5 good looking ultrasounds led us to the decision to start going public. We were talking to the husband's cousin last night and she was surprised we were able to keep it a secret for so long. Because I was so worried and concerned for 8 weeks it didn't seem like it was a hard secret to keep. It didn't feel real. Now that the floodgates are open it's amazing the love and support we have found. I hope the ladies still waiting to feel this joy find it soon. I don't want to keep it all for myself.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Sweet November I Surrender
I know I have been an anxious pregnant person. I just wish I could enjoy this pregnancy, especially since this is very likely to be my only one. I can't. I just want to wake up to November.
We went to visit friends this weekend about 5 hours car ride away. I told by college roommate when we arrived Friday night the big news. She was one of the handful of people that knew about our ivf and we were just 2 days shy of the big 12 weeks. It seemed like a good idea. Other than paranoia, I hadn't had any complications or scares. It was time to start telling people.
I was wrong. I woke up Saturday morning to brown spotting. Ten minutes after my shower and a fresh pair of undies, I had about a nickel's worth in my drawers. Up to this point, I hadn't had a drop of anything but a prometrium mess. I knew that spotting was normal and could mean nothing, especially in an ivf pregnancy. It could only be bad news if it was showing up now at 11 weeks and 5 days.
I called the on-call doctor who gave me all the same, "there's nothing we can do about it right now." It might be nothing. Its not because you sat in traffic for five hours. You don't need to stay in bed all day, but you should know that walking around can increase bleeding. We were staying with a friend in New York. I felt horrible that she had made plans and now we were competing for the worst house guest story in history. Why did this have to happen the first time we were out of town? Why this late? Why em?
It hung around threatening with barely there discharge all morning. Then I went to the bathroom again an hour later, bright red. Lump in my throat. Panic. Couldn't finish brunch.
We walked a couple of blocks to the Park and just sat in the sun. If I was going to be immobile for the day I might as well be laid up in Central Park. Babies were everywhere. Bad parenting was everywhere. Then, we saw a little boy with a t-shirt with the Husband's name on it. (And his name is a little more rare than John or Bob or Aiden.) Was it a sign that we were going to be ok? We sat around in the park for almost 2 hours. Went to the sketchy park bathroom again and thankfully nothing. Not a drop not a speck, nothing.
We went about the rest of our day walking about town and taking a break every hour or so to sit and use it as an excuse to eat or drink. We took it easy but we were still able to take advantage of the city. I prayed like heck all day and it stayed away.
Almost 48 hours later and nothing since. I go in for my NT screening appointment tomorrow. I hope we get some answers or at least reassurance.
I just hope that I can learn to roll with the punches a bit better until the babe is here safe and sound. But I really just wish I could wake up to November. It can't get here soon enough.
We went to visit friends this weekend about 5 hours car ride away. I told by college roommate when we arrived Friday night the big news. She was one of the handful of people that knew about our ivf and we were just 2 days shy of the big 12 weeks. It seemed like a good idea. Other than paranoia, I hadn't had any complications or scares. It was time to start telling people.
I was wrong. I woke up Saturday morning to brown spotting. Ten minutes after my shower and a fresh pair of undies, I had about a nickel's worth in my drawers. Up to this point, I hadn't had a drop of anything but a prometrium mess. I knew that spotting was normal and could mean nothing, especially in an ivf pregnancy. It could only be bad news if it was showing up now at 11 weeks and 5 days.
I called the on-call doctor who gave me all the same, "there's nothing we can do about it right now." It might be nothing. Its not because you sat in traffic for five hours. You don't need to stay in bed all day, but you should know that walking around can increase bleeding. We were staying with a friend in New York. I felt horrible that she had made plans and now we were competing for the worst house guest story in history. Why did this have to happen the first time we were out of town? Why this late? Why em?
It hung around threatening with barely there discharge all morning. Then I went to the bathroom again an hour later, bright red. Lump in my throat. Panic. Couldn't finish brunch.
We walked a couple of blocks to the Park and just sat in the sun. If I was going to be immobile for the day I might as well be laid up in Central Park. Babies were everywhere. Bad parenting was everywhere. Then, we saw a little boy with a t-shirt with the Husband's name on it. (And his name is a little more rare than John or Bob or Aiden.) Was it a sign that we were going to be ok? We sat around in the park for almost 2 hours. Went to the sketchy park bathroom again and thankfully nothing. Not a drop not a speck, nothing.
We went about the rest of our day walking about town and taking a break every hour or so to sit and use it as an excuse to eat or drink. We took it easy but we were still able to take advantage of the city. I prayed like heck all day and it stayed away.
Almost 48 hours later and nothing since. I go in for my NT screening appointment tomorrow. I hope we get some answers or at least reassurance.
I just hope that I can learn to roll with the punches a bit better until the babe is here safe and sound. But I really just wish I could wake up to November. It can't get here soon enough.
Monday, April 19, 2010
A Little Bit of This and a Little Bit of That
11 weeks woot. Feeling good. I do have a few "fun" symptoms these days.
I randomly get the pregnancy crazies. Take Saturday for instance. The husband got distracted from helping clean the bathroom (it happens twice a year, so this was exciting). I had a tantrum an hour before we had dinner guests.
Hair. Everywhere. My belly is furry and recently I have noticed some peach fuzz on my face. Nice. I am not so sure its a pregnancy symptom or a lupron hangover. Please don't stick around!
We had another sonogram on Friday and it went beautifully. The babe was moving and a shaking. I was so nervous after not finding the heartbeat on the doppler, the doctor joked the baby was jiving to all the extra adrenaline in my system. I got the very good news that I can stop the progesterone suppositories and estrogen. He recommends I stay on the baby aspirin up to delivery. That was the first time I had ever heard that recommendation. I'll go with it though. My appointment was also with the doctor who brushed off my panic when my symptoms subsided. He definitely redeemed himself.
The other good news we received at the appointment was from the insurance coordinator. I have 100% coverage! I don't pay for labs or ultrasounds or even a copay after my first visit. All fees associated with delivery are covered too. I have 48 hours for vaginal delivery and 96 for a c-section. The hospital payments (anesthesia) may be another story, but we'll figure that out soon. After receiving no help with fertility treatments this was a huge surprise and such good news.
Babymoon is coming up. Because of the husband's work schedule, hurricane season, and how I don't see myself relaxing at 6 months pregnant in 100 degree temperatures, we're taking one in two weeks. It's really more of an anniversary trip, but I can pretend.
We've told a few close friends. They are all pretty excited. The only people that know are folks that know how we got here. An awesome friend gave me a pregnancy care package with a bella band (which I hate), oils, pregnancy journal, a few books, and other spa-like gifties. Even though about ten people know, we hadn't received even a card. I think people are just as nervous as we are about the whole situation. It was nice to be treated to something special though.
Next weekend we'll start filling in everyone else. I feel like maybe my karma is paying me back for a stressful-shitty pre-conception journey. I just hope I don't use it all up now and end up with back labor for seven days.
I randomly get the pregnancy crazies. Take Saturday for instance. The husband got distracted from helping clean the bathroom (it happens twice a year, so this was exciting). I had a tantrum an hour before we had dinner guests.
Hair. Everywhere. My belly is furry and recently I have noticed some peach fuzz on my face. Nice. I am not so sure its a pregnancy symptom or a lupron hangover. Please don't stick around!
We had another sonogram on Friday and it went beautifully. The babe was moving and a shaking. I was so nervous after not finding the heartbeat on the doppler, the doctor joked the baby was jiving to all the extra adrenaline in my system. I got the very good news that I can stop the progesterone suppositories and estrogen. He recommends I stay on the baby aspirin up to delivery. That was the first time I had ever heard that recommendation. I'll go with it though. My appointment was also with the doctor who brushed off my panic when my symptoms subsided. He definitely redeemed himself.
The other good news we received at the appointment was from the insurance coordinator. I have 100% coverage! I don't pay for labs or ultrasounds or even a copay after my first visit. All fees associated with delivery are covered too. I have 48 hours for vaginal delivery and 96 for a c-section. The hospital payments (anesthesia) may be another story, but we'll figure that out soon. After receiving no help with fertility treatments this was a huge surprise and such good news.
Babymoon is coming up. Because of the husband's work schedule, hurricane season, and how I don't see myself relaxing at 6 months pregnant in 100 degree temperatures, we're taking one in two weeks. It's really more of an anniversary trip, but I can pretend.
We've told a few close friends. They are all pretty excited. The only people that know are folks that know how we got here. An awesome friend gave me a pregnancy care package with a bella band (which I hate), oils, pregnancy journal, a few books, and other spa-like gifties. Even though about ten people know, we hadn't received even a card. I think people are just as nervous as we are about the whole situation. It was nice to be treated to something special though.
Next weekend we'll start filling in everyone else. I feel like maybe my karma is paying me back for a stressful-shitty pre-conception journey. I just hope I don't use it all up now and end up with back labor for seven days.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Even your emotions have an echo in so much space
Baby still has a heart beat. Praise the Lord. What a good day. It (yep if I'm not calling it him, he's an it. Hope that doesn't offend.) has a giant head, little torso and legs. No tail. And it wiggles. I guess I am just so dang good at the physical part of pregnancy I suck at the emotional part.
Seriously folks. I have no symptoms. (Do you hate me?) Sure I am hungry all the time, but I've always had a higher than normal metabolism and could wear size 4 jeans despite having half a pizza for dinner. And ice cream. From the carton. (Do you hate me now?). Now I have to have a real breakfast, a snack two hours later, a huge lunch, a mid-afternoon snack, some munchies when I get home from work, and a giant dinner. Then clean the husband's plate. And ice cream. Maybe girl scout cookies too.
So I was on google probation and in serious freak out mode for 3 straight days. For no reason. I caved and called the doc Tuesday. Not my doc, her partner. Who I have to switch back and forth to. He did not impress. He asked a ton of questions about my symptoms before (painfully tired in the afternoon and tender breasts) and my symptoms now (none), did you do any heavy lifting (none except my 17 pound dog occassionally, oops), any stressful situations (other than constant paranoia?!)? He was like, well there's nothing we can do either way. Come in Friday for your regularly scheduled sono Friday. Ack, grr, death threats.
I panicked. I was mentally preparing to disinvite the inlaws for Easter, the inlaws who visit once ever 3-4 years. I was mentally preparing for the worst by planning my diet plan (i'm not so sure this is all emotioanl/ivf/baby bloat), make us reconnect vacation plans, how to tell my grandma. I lost sleep. I was distracted at work. For nothing. I wish I could just be as mentally strong as I am physically strong.
I guess I am what one of my favorite bloggers titles a "pregnancy viking."
http://www.alphamom.com/pregnancy-calendar/2008/03/week_seven_1.php
Amalah (she doesn't know it, but we're virtual bff's) writes for a variety of online columns and has a website chronicalling pregnancy week by week. I find her highly hysterical. Anywho, she calls freaks without symptoms vikings. I like that term a little better than basketcase.
Seriously folks. I have no symptoms. (Do you hate me?) Sure I am hungry all the time, but I've always had a higher than normal metabolism and could wear size 4 jeans despite having half a pizza for dinner. And ice cream. From the carton. (Do you hate me now?). Now I have to have a real breakfast, a snack two hours later, a huge lunch, a mid-afternoon snack, some munchies when I get home from work, and a giant dinner. Then clean the husband's plate. And ice cream. Maybe girl scout cookies too.
So I was on google probation and in serious freak out mode for 3 straight days. For no reason. I caved and called the doc Tuesday. Not my doc, her partner. Who I have to switch back and forth to. He did not impress. He asked a ton of questions about my symptoms before (painfully tired in the afternoon and tender breasts) and my symptoms now (none), did you do any heavy lifting (none except my 17 pound dog occassionally, oops), any stressful situations (other than constant paranoia?!)? He was like, well there's nothing we can do either way. Come in Friday for your regularly scheduled sono Friday. Ack, grr, death threats.
I panicked. I was mentally preparing to disinvite the inlaws for Easter, the inlaws who visit once ever 3-4 years. I was mentally preparing for the worst by planning my diet plan (i'm not so sure this is all emotioanl/ivf/baby bloat), make us reconnect vacation plans, how to tell my grandma. I lost sleep. I was distracted at work. For nothing. I wish I could just be as mentally strong as I am physically strong.
I guess I am what one of my favorite bloggers titles a "pregnancy viking."
http://www.alphamom.com/pregnancy-calendar/2008/03/week_seven_1.php
Amalah (she doesn't know it, but we're virtual bff's) writes for a variety of online columns and has a website chronicalling pregnancy week by week. I find her highly hysterical. Anywho, she calls freaks without symptoms vikings. I like that term a little better than basketcase.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)